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Christmas Jokes Ideas please 14:24 - Dec 11 with 5408 viewsstonebridgers

I have to put together a few jokes with a Christmas theme for work. As this board is full of comic genius a little help would be appreciated
Remember it's for a work email so the content must be clean.....ish

Stonebridgers

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:28 - Dec 11 with 4059 viewsWatford_Ranger

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:31 - Dec 11 with 4049 viewsessextaxiboy

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:28 - Dec 11 by Watford_Ranger

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year


Thats out for a start , he forgot to say he is an infant school teacher .
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:40 - Dec 11 with 4037 viewsEastR

How does Good King Weceslas like his pizza? - Deep and crisp and even
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:43 - Dec 11 with 4029 viewsMick_S

How much is a bottle of shampoo in the east end?

Pantene.

What happened to Mary Quant?

Max Factor.

Did I ever mention that I was in Minder?

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:47 - Dec 11 with 4017 viewshoof_hearted

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:28 - Dec 11 by Watford_Ranger

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year


...and that's down a chimney (to finish it off for you )
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:48 - Dec 11 with 4008 viewshoof_hearted

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:40 - Dec 11 by EastR

How does Good King Weceslas like his pizza? - Deep and crisp and even


FFS that should be deep pan, crisp and even.

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:00 - Dec 11 with 3973 viewsFredManRave

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.

I've got the Power.
Poll: Reuniting LFWs Who do you want to win the F.A.Cup Poll?!

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:01 - Dec 11 with 3973 viewsstevec

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a shame it was a puppy.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick f uck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."


I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:24 - Dec 11 with 3922 viewsbrewers_hoop

As I was trudging through the snow on Christmas Eve, I noticed a Chelsea season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought to myself ‘I’m having that!’ ‘cos you can never have enough nails, can you?
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:32 - Dec 11 with 3897 viewsrrrspricey

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:24 - Dec 11 by brewers_hoop

As I was trudging through the snow on Christmas Eve, I noticed a Chelsea season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought to myself ‘I’m having that!’ ‘cos you can never have enough nails, can you?




The song told me to Deck the Halls, so I did..........Mr Hall and his son are both pressing charges.

If you jingle my bells i'll promise you a white Christmas
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:39 - Dec 11 with 3884 viewsSimonJames

Who wraps the little bits of bacon around the tiny sausages?
It’s the pigs trying to put themselves back together again.

100% of people who drink water will die.

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:39 - Dec 11 with 3883 viewsFredManRave

I got a sweater for Christmas last year. I was gutted. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I've got the Power.
Poll: Reuniting LFWs Who do you want to win the F.A.Cup Poll?!

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:41 - Dec 11 with 3875 viewsSimonJames

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

100% of people who drink water will die.

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:50 - Dec 11 with 3853 viewsizlingtonhoop

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 14:47 - Dec 11 by hoof_hearted

...and that's down a chimney (to finish it off for you )


Or alternatively; but then he fills your stockings...
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 15:55 - Dec 11 with 3841 viewsHunterhoop

What do you do when you receive nothing but coal on Christmas day?

Elf-harm.

Why does Rudolph have such a red red nose?

A fondness for hard liquor.
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 16:03 - Dec 11 with 3807 viewsPommyhoop

How did the snowman get away with buggering Aled Jones?
Because his alibi was water tight and the forensic just evaporated..

http://cdn.meme.am/instances/250x250/55039027.jpg
Poll: How much should we sell Eze for. What will we get.

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 16:24 - Dec 11 with 3774 viewsFearless

Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 16:03 - Dec 11 by Pommyhoop

How did the snowman get away with buggering Aled Jones?
Because his alibi was water tight and the forensic just evaporated..


2 snowmen talking, one says
"Can you smell carrots?"

Coat, pipe, scarf etc etc
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 17:56 - Dec 11 with 3673 viewsDorse

Darth Vader is chatting to Luke Skywalker and says 'I know what Obi Wan has got me for Christmas'.
'How do you know that?'
'I have felt his presence'.

You're welcome.

'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 19:26 - Dec 11 with 3613 viewsnedflanders

People laughed at me when I said I was going to test advent calendars for a living, but it's actually opened a lot of doors for me...
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 19:32 - Dec 11 with 3602 viewslondonscottish

Listen, if you want to get an advent calender this year you'd really better get a move on.

Their days are numbered.

Poll: Do you love or hate the new Marmite ad?

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 19:59 - Dec 11 with 3552 viewsNoDiddley

Two Snowmen standing in the middle of a field.
One turns to the other & says "Can you smell Carrots?"
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 20:13 - Dec 11 with 3539 viewsBazzaInTheLoft

Something about Santa having a massive sack.
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 21:59 - Dec 11 with 3483 viewsWindsorHoopMan

What do transvestites do at Christmas?

Eat,drink and be Mary
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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 22:13 - Dec 11 with 3473 viewsMonahoop

Why is Christmas day like any other day at the office?

You slog your b***ocks off, while the fat git in the suit gets all the credit.

There aint half been some clever bastards.

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Christmas Jokes Ideas please on 08:22 - Dec 13 with 3316 viewswelwynranger

Father Christmas is on his way out on Christmas Eve.
His wife Mary looks out of the window and says
"If you are going out put your big red coat on it looks like rain dear".

No matter how hard I try. I never get it right as to what to buy my wife for a present . Which always leads to disappointment and phrases like " I hope you kept the receipt etc. So last November I had a heart to heart with her and she explained how easy it is all I have to do is ask and more importantly listen then it should be right and then she will be happy. She told me she would like something with diamonds in and something for the wardrobe.
So I bought a pack of cards and some coat hangers was she happy no she wasn't.I give up.


My wife was very upset and angry last Christmas day. She was banging cupboards and didn't want to cook dinner for the family that were arriving a bit later. I have often thought about what caused the upset. But at least I know it wasn't me. I went out for a drink with friends about 8oclock on Christmas Eve and didn't get back until 430 on Boxing Day so it couldn't have been me. I wasn't there.
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