| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages 16:17 - May 2 with 11305 views | Konk |
Following extensive, tasteful and sensitive renovations to our Victorian terrace in Bristol’s equivalent to Crouch End circa 1995, we have officially run out of money. We need about £40,000 to install a new kitchen and make structural changes to the kitchen and breakfast room. Rather than go down the traditional route of saving-up, borrowing the money or going on the game, I have instead put together a collection of exiting match day hospitality packages.
Living a hop, skip and a jump from Bristol City’s Ashton Gate stadium, we’re ideally placed to offer a full range of superb pre and post-match hospitality for away fans visiting BS3.
What do you get for your money?
£1k donation: Whenever QPR play Bristol City away, you can come round my house for a few pre-match beers/ciders (maximum 4 per person) and an M&S sourced buffet to the value of approximately £10 per head.
£3k donation: As above, but in addition, you can come round our house AFTER the game, watch the results be read out on the BBC, drink up to 4 alcoholic drinks, and eat crisps with me until 7pm, when you must leave.
£5k donation: as per the £3k package, but you can stay until 9pm and we will organize a take-away of your choice to the value of £20 per person. Members of the 5K club will also be welcomed by a Prosecco reception and driven back to Templemeads in time for the last train as long as my wife hasn’t had a drink at that point (which is fu king unlikely).
£10k donation: as per the £5k package, but in addition, you can use the downstairs loo for a number two, manage the tv remote control and go through my underwear drawer like a dog on heat.
Paying for the whole kitchen: as per the £10k package, but in addition, you will be met off the train by my wife, wan ked-off by me in the downstairs loo after Football Focus, wan ked-off by me in the park across the road from Ashton Gate after the game, and put up overnight in our tastefully appointed guest room. In the morning, you will be given some Shreddies and driven to Templemeads by my wife, as long as she’s not too hungover.
Please contact me directly for further information. We hope to see some of you next season.
- [ ]
|  |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |  |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:33 - May 2 with 7165 views | DejR_vu |
Have you ever worked for Sky? |  |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:45 - May 2 with 7143 views | Phildo |
How much to stay in the guest room and in the morning p#ss in the sink? |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:53 - May 2 with 7115 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:45 - May 2 by Phildo |
How much to stay in the guest room and in the morning p#ss in the sink? |
As part of the packages above, it’s an extra £250 (excluding VAT) if the plugs out and £450 (excluding VAT) if the plugs in. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:05 - May 2 with 7075 views | ted_hendrix |
I'm extremely interested in the £3k option but solely dependent on the flavour of crisps on offer which you have failed to mention in your rather poorly prepared brochure.
Also is there or will there be a 'two for one' offer in the unlikely event that we ((QPR that is) venture into something loosely called a cup competition?
Make sure your future worktop has mitred joints, none of this cover strip nonsense, you can't beat a nice mitred joint, I like to look at mitred joints. |  |
| My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:08 - May 2 with 7070 views | ElHoop |
The pricing structure is a bit oh Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Hill, I mean you'd get more food and grub if you paid the £1k three times compared to paying the £3k once. Innit. |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:19 - May 2 with 7038 views | peejaybee |
And there's me thinking The Comedians had finished.  |  |
| If at first you dont succeed, pack up and f**k off home. |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:22 - May 2 with 7031 views | MrSheen |
How much for naming rights to your son? |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:25 - May 2 with 7024 views | runningman75 |
Is there a refund if we win at Craven Cottage? ( On current form would be a good clause to add in). | | | |
Login to get fewer ads
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:29 - May 2 with 7012 views | Mytch_QPR |
Brilliant - as usual, I have choked on my coffee.
With your imagination you would have been guaranteed a job at Loftus Rd during Flavio's 'boutique' era. The only downfall (I think) is if our performances next season are anything like this, most supporters are unlikely to be in the mood for a J Arthur, nice as the offer is.
One suggestion (in an effort to be helpful) - if Mrs Konk is partial to a prosecco / super strength lager she could always get one of those rickshaws - it would make the experience more dangerous / interesting for your guests.
I assume prices will double if City get promoted? [Post edited 2 May 2019 17:31]
|  |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:31 - May 2 with 7003 views | loftboy |
Sorry Konk but I’d want a blow job off your mrs for that price!! |  |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:34 - May 2 with 6985 views | 2Thomas2Bowles |
Are pets allowed? |  |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:37 - May 2 with 6976 views | Mytch_QPR |
Technical query on the top package: 'given some Shreddies' - is this a reference to your underwear drawer again or are you suggesting that we are given a handful of cereal to consume (sans milk) on board the train?
With reference to loftboy's tasteful comment, I should imagine a new kitchen is a preference for Mrs K, rather than an absolute necessity. [Post edited 2 May 2019 18:02]
| |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:38 - May 2 with 6976 views | flynnbo |
Is there free wifi or just free wife? |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 19:12 - May 2 with 6808 views | GroveR |
M&S buffet rather than Waitrose? Relegation's clearly hitting hard already - you'll be buying hay for Clarissa's pony from Lidl next. |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 19:32 - May 2 with 6768 views | DannyPaddox |
Very tempting. A lot of thought gone into these packages. Only thing missing is a bit of celebrity after-dinner/ takeaway speaking. Personally I've always wanted to hear Ashton Gate goalkeeping stalwart Ray Cashley's yarns about being nicked before games mistaken for Fred West. He also does that thing where he piles a load of 10p's on his elbow and catches them. That's what I call pre-match entertainment. Why not induct him into your own Ashton Gate Legends club - Forever Bristols.
 |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 06:07 - May 3 with 6512 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:22 - May 2 by MrSheen |
How much for naming rights to your son? |
Although Corporate hospitality has become a key part of financing kitchen renovation projects, I am a traditionalist at heart, so we don't currently offer the opportunity to rename our son. However, we will be auctioning sponsorship/naming rights for various kitchen units/appliances, so from £500 upwards, we could see the MrSheen toaster, the MrSheen washing machine etc. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 06:57 - May 3 with 6485 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:05 - May 2 by ted_hendrix |
I'm extremely interested in the £3k option but solely dependent on the flavour of crisps on offer which you have failed to mention in your rather poorly prepared brochure.
Also is there or will there be a 'two for one' offer in the unlikely event that we ((QPR that is) venture into something loosely called a cup competition?
Make sure your future worktop has mitred joints, none of this cover strip nonsense, you can't beat a nice mitred joint, I like to look at mitred joints. |
Ted, Thanks for your expression of interest. To address your points:
(1) We are very open-minded when it comes to crisps; if they're available from the big Sainsbury's on Winterstoke Road or M&S on Broadmead, we will do our very best to ensure we can accommodate your every crisp-based desire.
(2) All of our packages are one-off payments for a lifetime of hospitality on BCFC v QPR matchdays. The average football fan lives for 100 years, so were QPR and BCFC to always be in the same division, draw each other at Ashton Gate every season in the play-offs, FA Cup, League Cup and the Johnstone's Tinpot Paintpot trophy (God forbid), then on average, you would save £60!
(3) Mitres. Mitres. Mitres. All the way, every day.
We look forward to welcoming you to the 3k club and thanks again for your interest. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:18 - May 3 with 6470 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:29 - May 2 by Mytch_QPR |
Brilliant - as usual, I have choked on my coffee.
With your imagination you would have been guaranteed a job at Loftus Rd during Flavio's 'boutique' era. The only downfall (I think) is if our performances next season are anything like this, most supporters are unlikely to be in the mood for a J Arthur, nice as the offer is.
One suggestion (in an effort to be helpful) - if Mrs Konk is partial to a prosecco / super strength lager she could always get one of those rickshaws - it would make the experience more dangerous / interesting for your guests.
I assume prices will double if City get promoted? [Post edited 2 May 2019 17:31]
|
Thanks for the suggestion Mytch. In the event of entirely foreseeable circumstances rendering our designated driver unable to offer our full executive transfer service, we can either provide you with a minicab number or point you in the direction of the bus stop. You will not be stranded! [Post edited 3 May 2019 8:00]
| |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:24 - May 3 with 6464 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:31 - May 2 by loftboy |
Sorry Konk but I’d want a blow job off your mrs for that price!! |
Whilst I'm committed to ensuring that all your corporate needs are met, my wife is not. We also operate a strict 'Hand sex only' policy, in line with EFL guidelines. With over thirty years experience to call upon, hand sex services will be exclusively undertaken by me. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:28 - May 3 with 6462 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:34 - May 2 by 2Thomas2Bowles |
Are pets allowed? |
It depends how desperate we get. A cat, maybe, a horse; probably not. Can it go in the garden? | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:31 - May 3 with 6459 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:38 - May 2 by flynnbo |
Is there free wifi or just free wife? |
I am not dignifying that with a response other than to refer you to my comments to Loftboy. BT-provided wifi will be provided as a complementary service. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:41 - May 3 with 6446 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:37 - May 2 by Mytch_QPR |
Technical query on the top package: 'given some Shreddies' - is this a reference to your underwear drawer again or are you suggesting that we are given a handful of cereal to consume (sans milk) on board the train?
With reference to loftboy's tasteful comment, I should imagine a new kitchen is a preference for Mrs K, rather than an absolute necessity. [Post edited 2 May 2019 18:02]
|
If you'd like to eat your Shreddies in our Corporate hospitality front room whilst watching cbeebies on our 40" Sony Jumbotron, whilst my son talks to you about Star Wars lego, then we would be delighted to host you. You can then take advantage of our complementary milk, spoon and bowl service. Alternatively, if you've an early train to catch, we can fill your coat pockets with Shreddies, allowing you to breakfast at your leisure as you let the train take the strain. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:58 - May 3 with 6419 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 19:32 - May 2 by DannyPaddox |
Very tempting. A lot of thought gone into these packages. Only thing missing is a bit of celebrity after-dinner/ takeaway speaking. Personally I've always wanted to hear Ashton Gate goalkeeping stalwart Ray Cashley's yarns about being nicked before games mistaken for Fred West. He also does that thing where he piles a load of 10p's on his elbow and catches them. That's what I call pre-match entertainment. Why not induct him into your own Ashton Gate Legends club - Forever Bristols.
|
To be honest with you, mate, we've been so busy putting these packages together, that I had completely overlooked the ex-player angle. I don't have many connections to City, but my Barber cuts most of the City players' hair, so maybe we could get him to pop round for a cup of tea before the game and do a Q&A on the City's players barnets? Strengths and weaknesses, what Rangers fans can expect from Marlon Pack's hairdo? That sort of thing.
My Dad's old childhood penpal, Roger, (and this is genuine), sounds exactly like Gary Mabbutt, could pass for his Dad and watched him every week when he broke through at Rovers. So, we could probably dress that up as your exclusive chance to eat crisps with Gary Mabbutt's Dad and hear his views on the Rovers players that Francis took to QPR. That'd do, wouldn't it? | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 08:07 - May 3 with 6391 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 19:12 - May 2 by GroveR |
M&S buffet rather than Waitrose? Relegation's clearly hitting hard already - you'll be buying hay for Clarissa's pony from Lidl next. |
When benchmarking the premium buffet retail offerings that are available in Bristol, one factor that we could not overlook was the fact that I have to walk up a fu ck-off hill to get to Waitrose, whereas M&S is on the flat. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
| |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 08:21 - May 3 with 6361 views | qprxtc |
I'll go all in with the £10k donation on proviso that you wear a QPR Zamora top, Brentfrod shorts (socks at your discretion) and sing 'Celery, celery...' and 'Blue is the colour' at the top of your voice for the day.
You've got me then. |  | | |
| |
By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions.
