A covert audio recording by Nigel Spackman.
TF: Can you here me Don? How’s it looking in the dressing room?
DH: Not good gaffer. Falco’s turned an ankle, Reidy’s lumbago is playing up, Clarkey’s got gut rot, and Martin Allen’s baby’s got gripe.
TF: Okay we can work round that
DH: There’s more gaffer. Wrighty’s blabbing his eyes out singing Flower of Scotland swigging from a bottle of Whisky. Says he’s homesick.
TF: Can someone help him?
DH: Another problem. Kenny Sansom is already helping him with the Whiskey
TF: We’ll start with Mark Dennis. He’s not suspended again is he?
DH: No he’s not suspended boss but you sold him in the summer.
TF: Andy Gray?
DH: Same.
TF: Any of the reserves about? The lad Leslie. Leslie Ferguson.
DH: Leslie Ferdinand boss. Says he can’t play unless we sacrifice a chicken for him in the centre circle like they do at Besiktas.
TF: Will a roast chicken do? Nab one from the executive catering suite.
DH: I thought of that gaffer. Les says a roast chicken’s not the same. Got to be alive.
TF: Don just get 11 bodies on the pitch. We’ll park the bus and hope Spunky has the game of his life in goal.
DH: Also problems there boss. Dave has just turned up in his waders says he’s sprained his wrist wrestling with a 6lb chub.
TF: What’s he doing wÃ¥nking before the game?
DH: No gaffer he was fishing
TF: Stick the big lad Macca in goal.
DH: He’s offered but Paul Parker’s grabbed the gloves and keepers jersey. Says he loves playing in goal and is the best in the club. Reckons he better than Seaman.
TF: Paul Parker! We might as well put a garden gnome in goal.
DH: I thought of that boss. Daphne says they’re all sold out. Scandinavian coach party bought the lot.
TF: Ah there you are Don I can see the day-glo yellow piping of your influence tracksuit gleaming in the autumn sunshine. Who’s that young lad you’re with? Can you tell him you’re busy. Tell him no autographs. Tell him to fcuk off.
DH: The young lad I’m with is the chairman Trev and there’s more bad news.
TF: What is it now?
DH: He says your fired.
[Post edited 3 May 2020 10:14]
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