By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions. We in turn value your personal details in accordance with our Privacy Policy.
Please log in or register. Registered visitors get fewer ads.
Spotify shuffled Sunshine on Leith on this morning. You know when you’ve heard a song hundreds of times before but then all of a sudden on the 113th play your ears prick up and you inexplicably start listening more attentively? Well that happened.
When I was in my late teens I suffered with crippling depression. I’d been dumped by my childhood sweetheart, I’d failed within our schooling system, I had no qualifications, no job, no hope, no belief. I’d been a semi-tidy golfer but ultimately failed at that too amongst feelings of letting my family down by coming up just short. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning and I had no idea which way to turn. I’d turned a loving, fortunate upbringing into nothing.
My heart was broken My heart was broken Sorrow. Sorrow. Sorrow. Sorrow.
Born into a middle class upbringing and a working class family, I was too ignorant to go and seek professional help for this terrible, debilitating, invisible disease. I didn’t talk about it. I was ashamed of it and of myself. I didn’t understand it and there was next to no awareness about it. A week didn’t go by where I didn’t toy with a piece of rope or with packets of painkillers or with plastic bags in a locked room. Ultimately not brave enough, I just continued to exist.
If there was a bright spot in my life that even I could see; it was Saturday afternoons in Shepherds Bush. Back then they were few and far between for me as we lived 130 miles away. Maybe one such afternoon though was a turning point in my life. 25th January, 2003, QPR 1, Tranmere 2. The football chat on the radio, the debate about who should start, the debate around whether Steve Palmer is actually any good. Shepherds Bush Market, the sound of underground trains, the record shop opposite the green, the noise of the Uxbridge Road, a diverse community, the Baklava from the Lebanese shop. A day bonding with my Dad, without troubles, without sorrow, with hope, with adrenaline. We lost but it didn’t matter.
I went to every home game for the rest of that season. Sometimes with Dad. Sometimes by myself via a gruelling, eight pound, 15-hour-day, National Express journey. Sundays were 6 days away, Wednesdays were 3 days away. Fridays were the eve of relief. Every day had purpose.
I got to enjoy the playoff run and got to endure and experience the playoff final. I got to taste a sense of achievement. The next year I got a season ticket and went to most away games too. I made friends there, I made memories there, I was accepted there. This was my club, my thing. There wasn’t a second in my life that I didn’t have something to look forward to. I had a reason to get out of bed, a reason to go to work.
My heart was broken My heart was broken You saw it. You claimed it. You touched it. You saved it.
6 years later I had a steady job, I’d met the woman who’d become my wife, I had a family, I had fun, I had holidays. I beat that disease. Not by myself - not by a long chalk. I beat it with the help of those around me but also with the help of a wonderful mix of people with one common bond. A community that’s scrappy, that understands each other, that knows it’s different, that knows it’s special. QPR gave me acceptance and QPR let me be myself.
Since then I’ve gone on to be moderately successful at work. I’ve bought a house. I saw and fell in love with New York City. I got married in New York City in front of my closest friends and family. I watched Dolphins playing in morning waves from the Newport Beach shore whilst eating egg white omelettes. I drove the 10th Green at the Belfry with a 3 wood. I had a daughter and experienced a love that I never knew existed. I saw Bobby Zamora score that goal stood next to my Dad. And that’s just to-date.
How do you repay a debt of gratitude like that? Like an absolute, innate family bond - you just can’t.
But this is why football is important. This is why football clubs are important.
And to me, this is why QPR is important.
My tears are drying My tears are drying Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
47
QPR and Depression on 13:01 - Apr 2 with 4273 views
Sorry to be super emo but clearly had a moment this morning and thought it worth sharing in case anyone could relate or even could find help within it.
You Rs!
7
QPR and Depression on 13:09 - Apr 2 with 4228 views
The tongue-in-cheek reply to this of course is: "just how depressed must you have been if QPR was part of the recovery?"
Hope its a permanent recovery. Horrible disease and severely mis-understood - every time the dark beast creeps up on me, my wife just tells me to get on with things, what the hell of you got to be depressed about. In a way, that helps me, but she really don't get it, just like so many others.
Wonderful. Thank you for your story. As always, when I read a post like this I feel humbled & need to reply with my support.
My suffering was nowhere as bad as yours, but I'm always ready to let anyone know that I've suffered from depression & willing to talk about this illness.
I finally came to accept that I had depression in 2004 (a minimum of 37 years too late) & can also testify that supporting Queens Park Rangers helped me enormously. My wife & sons, a few friends (those that I felt able to tell), Rangers & football in general were my pathway.
Sunshine on Leith meant Hibs winning the Scottish Cup to me until you enticed me to read the words of the song that you printed!
1
QPR and Depression on 13:39 - Apr 2 with 4113 views
Absorbing read as can draw a couple of parrarells (sp) with that,gave me goosebumps while doing so,very happy you’ve told the events of your time line and you have come through smiling and content,long may that continue for you and your family.
1
QPR and Depression on 13:48 - Apr 2 with 4076 views
Brilliant and well done, suffered from depression back in 2015 when my marriage broke up and was living in My mates spare room, still have the odd evening where it all comes back and keeps me awake for hours. Contemplated jumping in front of a train, actually laid down in front of a bus. Met my new partner and it’s been onwards and upwards since.
favourite cheese mature Cheddar. FFS there is no such thing as the EPL
Strange timing, my brother died one and a half years ago but was round his house sorting a few bits and pieces today, long haul and hate doing it so it's taking me ages to chuck stuff away and store others. Anyhow, the lyrics to Sunshine on Leith are framed in his hall so actually was singing a little today. The song has Hibs memories for our family but it is a very thoughtful piece, always have a tear in the eye listening to it and glad you get something from it too. Cheers and good to hear your journey ðŸ‘
11
QPR and Depression on 14:34 - Apr 2 with 4002 views
I have suffered periodic depression since I was 18-19 and the first episode had me jump on my Kawasaki one night with every intention of running into a wall at a ton but riding that fast I can only assume the endorphin rush pulled me back from the brink and I just carried on moping. The black dog followed me around for a couple of years then one morning I woke up and felt right as rain. The years passed and just before my 30th it all came back just as bad but this time, due to my sister having been admitted to St. Bernards mental hospital in Southall after witnessing the Moorgate train disaster, I understood mental illness a lot more and sought help. After a series of tests I was diagnosed as having a chemical and hormonal imbalance and was offered drugs to help combat it. I didn't take the drugs but remembered the rush I got from sports so added playing football to my sporting repertoire as well as Squash, which I took up after the first episode, and this seemed to help and it was never as bad as the first time. This too only lasted about a year or so and then then disappeared. When it happened again when I was almost 40 I was a lot more prepared but went back to the doctors to talk through it and she referred me to a psychologist friend who had experience of this type of depression; it turns out it is related to the various bodily cycles more obvious in women, adolescence, child bearing, menopause etc., but equally happens to men too but not usually so dramatically. It has carried on happening to me roughly every 10 years but I am much more equipped to handle it now and talk it through with my wife when I feel down and she is understanding and supportive which helps enormously. Two of the other things which have really helped me now that vigorous sport is no longer an option is QPR and Music so this thread was very relatable. I cannot stress enough how important it is not to bottle up these feelings, you are no less of a man if you can't cope and feel like crying all the time, you are no less of a man if you have to go and seek professional help. After my step daughter died suddenly I was bereft and the first time at QPR after her funeral I just couldn't go in and sat on the wall opposite the SAR office with tears rolling down my face. Joe & Kath Hylton saw me and spent nearly an hour talking to me and being supportive and it was then I realised just what "QPR family" actually means. I know and speak to around 250-270 people on and off at games and I had never met a single one of them outside of following QPR home and away for 50 odd years and that time there was so much sympathy and support from those people I know it helped me through a very dark time. Thank you to all those QPR family I have for your love and support. TL/DR Don't face depression alone, seek help and counsel.
The grass is always greener.
23
QPR and Depression on 14:45 - Apr 2 with 3975 views
The learning here is that so many of us, myself included, have suffered from depression and/or poor mental health on occasions. There's no stigma anymore, thankfully, and talking about it helps.
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
Love that you're all being so open and finding your own ways to tackle your depression.
I suffer from it too periodically and find therapy and exercise generally work for me. But am missing the normal level of human contact. This forum is a great means of chatting through so many things and is a marvellous source of information, support, interest and laffs.
I know Clive didn't intend to provide group therapy but he kind of does by proxy with this site.
9
QPR and Depression on 19:39 - Apr 2 with 3705 views
Yes, I was there with wife and kids. Then 10 yr old daughter was howling while 6 yr old son laughing at her, was a brilliant day. Beat the huns with a last minute winner, bit of a wander about on the pitch and lovely sing song, can't beat it!! Had a few good Sunshine on Leith moments but that probably was my favourite in the football context, my brothers send off song at his funeral, that's obviously a different emotion but was just as fitting. Truly a beautiful song
3
QPR and Depression on 21:04 - Apr 2 with 3556 views
I’ve had two bouts of crippling depression in my life that scared the sh-t out of me. The first time was in my early 20s and I thought I was losing my mind, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get out of bed, lost all interest in everything, dropped out of my university degree for a year and thank God found a doctor that insisted I take happy pills which helped after a few months.
Second time was a few years later, was watching a tube pull in on the way home from a job I hated and after weeks of black thoughts had a genuine and real urge to jump in front of it. Caught myself and realised I needed help again and got it.
I’ve been so lucky to have an extended family around me that helped me through it, but you’re absolutely right: my only real refuge in those times was going to Rangers. A blissful few hours when I could put all that away and watch the football. QPR were a massive help. Ironically we were absolutely f-kin shite during my episodes (Prem relegation years and the crap George Kulscar Champ years) but that didn’t really matter.
Take care everyone. Can’t wait to get back.
9
QPR and Depression on 22:32 - Apr 2 with 3436 views
I know we all get down at times,especially these days,but reading some of the posts from people on here shows me that my down days are nothing to some of the people on here.
I’ve been going through a bit with my family’s health issues lately,and it all takes it toll on my mental health,but they do say it’s better to talk about these things openly.
Hopefully we can all find the peace of mind to put it all behind us. Good luck to everyone suffering at the minute.
3
QPR and Depression (n/t) on 22:40 - Apr 2 with 3414 views
QPR and Depression on 21:04 - Apr 2 by queensparker
That’s a wonderful post mate.
I’ve had two bouts of crippling depression in my life that scared the sh-t out of me. The first time was in my early 20s and I thought I was losing my mind, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get out of bed, lost all interest in everything, dropped out of my university degree for a year and thank God found a doctor that insisted I take happy pills which helped after a few months.
Second time was a few years later, was watching a tube pull in on the way home from a job I hated and after weeks of black thoughts had a genuine and real urge to jump in front of it. Caught myself and realised I needed help again and got it.
I’ve been so lucky to have an extended family around me that helped me through it, but you’re absolutely right: my only real refuge in those times was going to Rangers. A blissful few hours when I could put all that away and watch the football. QPR were a massive help. Ironically we were absolutely f-kin shite during my episodes (Prem relegation years and the crap George Kulscar Champ years) but that didn’t really matter.
Wonderful post. Sounds like you've found your feet. Thankfully I don't suffer from depression but have friends and close family who do. I miss the buzz of Loftus Road as its my release after a hard weeks work regardless of the result. Sunshine on leith is unique in that its both sad and uplifting in equal measure.
1
QPR and Depression on 23:51 - Apr 2 with 3304 views
That is a truly beautiful post Padula, incredibly moving. People may say football isn't important, and they might be right, but the love of a football club means so much more than just liking football. It gives us all that sense of belonging and togetherness, and that shared experience of going to watch the Rangers with your dad is the most precious thing. As you say, always something to look forward to.
3
QPR and Depression on 08:49 - Apr 3 with 3073 views
Padulas, thank you. You've moved me to sign up to this forum after many years lingering (Strathdon Blue), simply to express my sincere gratitude. I need to listen and talk more about how I feel.
7
QPR and Depression on 08:55 - Apr 3 with 3065 views
Padulas, thank you. You've moved me to sign up to this forum after many years lingering (Strathdon Blue), simply to express my sincere gratitude. I need to listen and talk more about how I feel.
You're very welcome to talk here. And pleased you've bitten the bullet and signed up. Never heard of Strathdon Blue but it sounds like strong stuff!
By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions.
