Liverpool In Crisis As They Run Out Of Ex Players To Claim Van Dijk Move Is Close ! Friday, 11th Aug 2017 08:00 Liverpool FC convened an emergency board meeting on Thursday evening after running out of Ex players to comment on the Virgil Van Dijk transfer saga. At the tail end of last season Liverpool's board drew up a list of players they wanted to sign up in the summer transfer break, however unlike Saints transfer committee and famous black box, this was not an excercise in signing new players, but those that had played for the club or supported it as a boy who were prepared to put so much spin into the press that the punters would believe that Van Dijk was that much of a Scouser he was in The Beatles. The campaign initally stalled when Sir Paul McCartney refused to alter the cover on the 50th anniversary edition of Sgt Pepper to include the face of Virgil Van Dijk, but that did not deter LFC. Soon they had a myriad of former stars on the roster, Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Jamie Redknapp were the big hitters but as Lawrie McMenemy once said, in every team you need hod carriers as well as violinists and there were plenty of the former with Mick Quinn, John Aldridge, Danny Murphy and even ex manager Brendon Rodgers all joining in, but Liverpool's new CEO Peter Moore knew that this supply would not be inexhaustable. But for a while they kept on coming, but when Neil Mellor is your next man stepping up to the plate you know that the list is getting to the bottom of the barrel. Indeed at one point thngs were so desperate that Liverpool fans were even ready to forgive Graeme Souness a man ostracised for selling his story to the Sun, as long as he would tell all and sundry that Van Dijk was so close to a move to Anfield he was living in a room above the Sandon Pub. Luckily Jamie Redknapp is nothing if not persistent in his attempts to convince any one who will listen that he is relevant these days, and the former Ex Liverpool player best known for being injured a lot and that Louise from Eternal's husband kept the pressure on like a good lap dog. But even Jurgen Klopp was getting worried with references in press conferences to " Being down to eine bare bones" and " Gott in himmell der campaign is nearly kaput schnell schnell" when asked about former Reds legends. Liverpool were even forced to withdraw their legends team from the Dubai Masters Tournament as they were all needed to talk to Alan Brazil on Talksport. Things came to a head in the first week of August as a queue of Liverpool legends assembled outside Talksport towers in scenes reminiscent of Dunkirk, patiently waiting to be ferried up to the studio whilst being strafed by reporters from the Liverpool Echo and downmarket tabloids. Something had to give and it did when suddenly Jamie Carragher talked some sense about the situation suggesting Van Dijk was wrong not to play and train and he wouldn't like to see that at Liverpool and the tide had turned. Of course Liverpool's strategy has to rely on Ex players commenting rather than current players and the board last night were desperately see if they could sell a few of the current squad, indeed anything to try and shut up Jamie Redknapp who they had now decided like the rest of the country had realised years ago, was a loud mouthed chancer who would stoop at nothing to get his face on TV and earn a few bob. Redknapp would attend the opening of a nightclub or even the opening of an envelope for that matter if the Paparrazi were there, although funnily enough for some reason he shuddered at brown ones. Thy even reverted to the normal plan B in an emergency. sell Daniel Sturridge ! But that had the normal issue, the fact that Sturridge had been injured before they had even finished the sentence The problem is though that there are no more Ex Liverpool players to trot out on the subject, at least none that anyone has heard of. What happens next is unclear, the board meeting closed with no solution being found other than a few half baked ideas suggesting that Van Dijk might want to consider chaining himself to the Bargate to try and force things through. So there for the moment things are at a stand off, the Ex Saints big guns Le Tissier and Benali are picking off the likes of Gerrard and Carragher at will and are aided by Gary Neville a man who hates Liverpool so much that he once dressed a chicken up as a Liver Bird and shot it. **Stop Press** Vacancies. Liverpool FC have vacancies for Ex Players within their Media & Spin department. You - Will be a presentable highly motivated by money ex player of Liverpool Football Club with connections in both local and national media. You - Will have made the bench on at least one occasion in a League cup tie, qualification round of the Europa league or similar, game time on the pitch is preferable but not essential. You - Must have an unquivocal belief that LFC are the biggest club in the World and have only failed to lift the Premier League title in the last 25 years due to mathematical errors at Premier League headquarters. You - Must have the ability to be able to put a different spin on essentially the same story at the same time when LFC are trying to keep a player at Anfield whilst also buying one in. We - Offer a competitive package of backhanders, complimentary tickets and upgraded biographies in the LFC museum. We - Are an equal opportunities employer, being from Liverpool although preferred is not essential, although Ex Everton players need not apply. We - Are a progressive American owned company who offer opportunities of promotion to the right candidates including guest spots on LFCTV, matchday hosting and the chance to work in our Transfer Hub office in Marchwood Southampton. Please apply in writing with your CV and examples of your work to LFC Media & Spin Department Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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