About those Geoff Cameron facts… - Column
Friday, 14th May 2021 18:01 by Clive Whittingham
Three years ago while drunk and watching a terrible 0-0 draw at Birmingham City the LFW travelling brethren started to make up facts about debutant Geoff Cameron. And we couldn’t just leave it there. Because we’re idiots.
Back in the glory days when 250,000 South Koreans used to log onto LoftforWords everyday to ask “where is Ji-Sung?” and “what is he doing there?” this site generated such unimaginable wealth for its creators that we were able to occasionally take a halfday off work to run a live Transfer Deadline Day blog which was so primitive you had to refresh it yourself to see if QPR had spaffed any more money on another Stephane Mbia, and would constantly crash under the weight of traffic and too many maps of areas in the UK where Richard Wright would and wouldn’t be homesick.
These would be written by up to a dozen of us gathered at LFW betting columnist (not a salaried position) Andy “it’s like buying money” Hillman’s country estate while he barbecued and poured beer into us to aid the flow of the cock jokes and Jim White insults. On these glorious afternoons we would turn the LFW Twitter account over to LFW joke writer (not a salaried position) Simmo, which was a very bad idea, and he would send out various offensive rubbish under the hashtag #jimwhitesroughglove, which sounds sexual but a prolonged period of research on PornHub (RESEARCH I SAID) suggests actually means nothing at all. “Why is Jim White’s rough glove trending?” asked at least two people over the years, and the response was always along the lines of “it’s one of those LFW in-jokes that nobody gets”. What larks/twats.
Of course, the club was quite the Bantersaurus Rex itself when it came to deadline day, and several years of actively trading itself into oblivion brought us to September 1, 2018, when the attendees of those barbecues gathered together as one, as they used to do every week, for the 08.30 £6 Marylebone-Birmingham Snow Hill special to watch the shell that remained play at Birmingham City. Steve McClaren’s reign had not got off to the most auspicious of starts, with four league defeats from four games and 13 goals conceded. A fortnight prior we’d been on the same train going to the same place for a tight, nervy, 7-1 defeat to West Bromwich Albion. Having torn up the transfer plans he’d inherited and dithered through a summer of trying and failing to sign Richard Keogh and Chris Martin, McClaren and Rangers had been forced to scramble into the market late in the window to add Angel Rangel, Nahki Wells, Tomer Hemed and Geoff Cameron to give it a fighting chance of survival. We’ve written the article of what we thought of that summer and how we got to that point – A LOT – and this is neither the time nor the place for a re-run but needless to say the mood on the Chilterns rattler was bleak, and dark humour was the order of the day.
The signing of Cameron, already 33 and long since phased out of a Stoke side relegated from the Premier League the previous year – to such an extent they were willing to loan him out to a rival Championship team rather than keep him around for their attempt to bounce back – was drawing particular raised eyebrows. As it turns out, a player who arrived as a short-term quick-fix ended up doing three seasons for Rangers, with only one Kalvin Phillips-inflicted absence among them. He ended up captaining the club, playing multiple positions, guiding the young players, and the team’s win percentage with him was always starkly higher than without – we’ll cover all of this in next week’s End Of Term Report as we bid Captain America farewell ahead of his move to Cincinnati. At the time though the signing looked fairly desperate – an impression internet Stokies did nothing to dissuade us from.
As we saw with Ipswich fans and Georges Santos, and will no doubt see again from the other side if QPR can “and a Casio” Todd Kane out of Loftus Road this summer, there’s nothing quite so joyfully mean as a group of football fans when another team signs their player they don’t particularly rate, like, or have fallen out with. Comments about his age, his pace, his legs and so on actually evaporated into queries about exactly why Cameron was playing very well indeed on loan at QPR while Stoke’s big money Championship chasers couldn’t find their own arse with both hands, but that morning as we headed to St Andrew’s for his debut we rolled our eyes at the comments flooding in from the north west about what a terrible signing this was and what mugs we were. The best of these, coming in just north of Banbury, was that Cameron had actually been concussed so often in his latter days at Stoke that doctors had advised him to retire, or if he did insist on continuing to play then he wasn’t to head the ball any more and so we could look forward to him actually, physically, ducking out of the way a lot.
Well we were very taken with this obvious nonsense, and as the morning turned into the afternoon, 11 Peronis turned into 17 Peronis, “a yard of onion rings” for £2.99 turned into a good idea, and QPR’s rot-stopping, artery-hardening 0-0 draw with the locals tapped our souls and drained them slowly into a disused canal, so we started to pass the time with other increasingly outlandish claims about our new arrival. How Geoff was actually the first man on the moon, because who set that ladder up eh? How Geoff is actually only slow because if he gets up to more than seven miles an hour it opens up a tear in the four-dimensional continuum is known as Minkowski space.
Well, like I said, we love an unfunny, in-joke that outstays its welcome more than most to try and distract the reader from the fact we patently don’t know what we’re talking about (those prizes for spotting Sean Goss are in the post guys) and so we figured as Geoff was only likely to be around for a season we could probably make this a feature in the match preview, give us a chance to come up with some silly piss-takey names for American teams he might have played for and so on.
Little did we know we were setting ourselves up for three years of trying to rip off song lyrics, lines from films, plots from books, famous moments from television, popular culture references of the week, and crowbarring Geoff’s name into them for our own – and certainly nobody else’s – very, very, very basic amusement. Well, what better way (shut up, we’re doing it) to pay tribute to Geoff and send him on his way than republishing the full list of them now, explaining where they came from where appropriate, noting with some despair that we repeated number 61 as number 111, and 129 and 135, and also that the McClaren season got so bad that we stopped at 35 and then started again the following season at 56 as if nothing had happened which means having dragged it as far as 99 purely and simply because we wanted to do a childish sex joke ripped off from Monkey Dust that actually it wasn’t 99 at all but 78.
Did somebody say too much time on our hands? Well, to quote Good Morning Vietnam - in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in human history.
The Geoff Cameron Facts
1 - Before landing his breakout role in the 1984 hit Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Cameron worked as a carpenter in Montana. (Indiana Jones)
2 - Geoff doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to hunt. You can’t suppress 65 million years of gut instinct. (Jurassic Park)
3 - Geoff Cameron once finished third in a Geoff Cameron look-a-like competition. (This is actually a famous story about Charlie Chaplin)
4 - Geoff started his senior career at the Rhode Island Stingrays. Geoff befriended the stingray that the club was named after, and they correspond via letter to this day.
5 - Whenever Geoff plays against Millwall it takes him 40 days and 40 nights to recover sufficiently to play again.
6 - The Cameron family was the richest in America until the Wall Street Crash of 1929 wiped out their wealth, forcing them to join a travelling circus.
7 - Geoff was once comprehensively beaten in a 100m sprint race by a shop mannequin.
8 - Geoff once denounced Australian singer-songwriter Natalie Imbruglia as a “silly little girl” in the US edition of Vogue after she’d described the Large Hadron Collider operated by the European Organization for Nuclear Research as “boring and shit”.
9 - Geoff stood in for Human League bass and keyboard player Ian Burden at their January 1987 gig at the Hammersmith Odeon after Burden said he “couldn’t be arsed with it any more”. Burden left the band later that year. (Burden did indeed leave the Human League in 1987 because he couldn’t be arsed with it any more, we went to the trouble of finding a real gig just before this)
10 - Geoff was cast as Tinky Winky in the original version of genre defining BBC kids series Teletubbies, but once he discovered the role required him to carry a purple handbag around at all times he turned it down on religious grounds.
11 - In 2002 Geoff invented the world’s first silent Velcro, but he has refused to manufacture the product or sell the patent for fear it will be utilised by military in conflict situations.
12 - During his student days, Geoff spent time on an Erasmus placement in Paris where he lived in a loft apartment with a group of French performance artists who insisted he referred to them as ‘his hats’. (Monkey Dust)
13 - During the 2009 MLS season at the Houston Dynamos, Geoff identified as a provocative female giraffe and insisted his team mates call him Fifi Le Roux if they wanted him to pass them the ball.
14 - Geoff was the original choice of Ivan Reitman, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis to play Venkman in the Ghostbusters movies before Bill Murray finally checked his voicemail messages and called them back. (Famously if you want Bill Murray to star in your movie there is a phone number to call and leave a message, and he will get back to you as and when suits him if he likes the idea)
15 - Geoff became the first person to successfully cross the Atlantic in a motorised bath tub when he completed the feat in a single afternoon earlier this year while trying to avoid coverage of the Royal Wedding.
16 - They started Geoff Cameron on the bauble challenge but couldn’t include him in the video because he’s still going now, 17,564 at the last count.
17 - While playing for the Long Island Sea Snails, Geoff survived a vote of confidence in his captaincy with 107% of the vote. (Theresa May fuckwittery)
18 - While captaining the Pittsburgh Pomeranians, Geoff was able to snap a 34 game losing run against the Rochester Reindeer Hides by switching the date of the game without informing the opposition and being awarded a 3-0 win for their no-show.
19 - While captaining the Milwaukee Marmosets earlier in his career, Geoff ate Christmas dinner at four separate team mates’ houses so as not to offend, then scored the winner on Boxing Day against the Grand Rapids Gophers with a headshot in overtime. (The Vicar of Dibley)
20 - While playing for the Spokane Spider Monkeys, Geoff was awarded the local mayor’s annual Awesome Citizen prize for staging the annual New Year’s Eve fireworks event in the grounds of his mansion after the municipal sports facility was put out of use by lewd graffiti about the mayor’s wife.
21 - On a recent visit to The Lamb pub in Chichester, Geoff insisted on being allowed to throw a copper kettle over the roof using an official Territorial Army method which broke the previous record and shattered the windscreen of a nearby Kia Sportage. (The Office)
22 - While in the youth set up at the Dallas Duckbills Geoff scored a far better overhead kick than Trevor Sinclair’s, but there’s no video footage of it because television hadn’t been invented then.
23 - Geoff has 1,201 loyalty points. (Portsmouth away ticketing row)
24 - Geoff is able to watch all of Leeds United’s training from the comfort of the living room in his eight-bedroom mansion after picking up one of the world’s most powerful electromagnetic telescopes off eBay. He told a reporter from the Sacramento Times this week that he didn’t feel the sessions being laid on by the decorated former coach of Bilbao, Marseille, Argentina and Chile were “all that”. (Leeds Utd spying row)
25 - Geoff has attempted to speed up his recovery from injury by moving his family into a cryogenic chamber where they sit together and watch the montages from Rocky on a loop.
26 - During an early career stint at the Wyoming Wizard Sleeves, Geoff restored communication and access to the small town of Fort Laramie by clearing eight tonnes of snow from the road with his bare hands in a single evening.
27 - Geoff’s beard is grown to cover a neck tattoo protesting the socialist government of Venezuela so as to comply with league rules about political messages on shirts/faces.
28 - Geoff could demolish Batman Close in one afternoon using only a rock hammer if you want him to. Not Sunday though, he’s drawing the tombola at his church’s spring harvest. (Hammersmith and Fulham Borough Council row, February 2019)
29 - Geoff ain’t afraid of no ghosts. (Ghostbusters, Christ we were clearly already running dry here)
30 - Geoff was just 28-years-old and captaining the Baltimore Bigfoots when QPR last made the fifth round of the FA Cup in 1997.
31 - Geoff never actually existed. He was just a figment of wish fulfilment conjured up by your own imagination.
32 - Geoff once challenged Graeme Souness to a ‘who has more testicles’ competition and won by five.
33 - Geoff is back in full training. No joke.
34 - Police in the Far East are predicting chaos on the streets the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Shaun Harvey decided to host the second round draw for the League Cup in Beijing at four in the morning when Geoff finally returns to action in the biggest global television event of the year against Rotherham on Wednesday night. (Carabao Cup draw farce)
35 - While captaining the Sacramento Seahorses in his early career, Geoff became the only man in history to beat Canadian snooker player Bill Werberniuk in a drinking contest, downing 76 cans in a single sitting before vomiting enthusiastically into a nearby fireplace. (Treat yourself to Bill Werberniuk’s Wikipedia)
56 - The redevelopment of Stoke City’s training ground was delayed for nine months when a lesser spotted arm of the Cameron family nested in the undergrowth. (Warren Farm debacle)
57 - While playing for the Saskatoon Sasquatches, Geoff once set a record for 178 completed sideways passes in a match, prompting an immediate £3.5m bid by Brentford.
58 - After captaining the Pawtucket Porcupines to an inter-state knockout title in his early career, Geoff was allowed to take the trophy home for the night to pose for the obligatory photograph in bed with the silverware. The trophy later gave birth to triplets.
59 - While captaining the Punxsutawney Groundhogs, Geoff once headed winning goals in 17 consecutive 1-0 home victories. (Groundhog Day)
60 - If you want Geoff Cameron to go in goal, he will. He once saved three penalties in a shootout for the Virginia Vagabonds after being pressed into service late in the game when the first choice keeper was caught in passing gunfire.
61 - Geoff can kill two stones with one bird. (Chuck Norris facts)
62 - While captaining the Galveston Glencampbells as a youngster, Geoff arranged a team-building bowling night where he bowled a perfect game using only a marble. (Galveston, Glen Campbell)
63 - Geoff’s debut country and western album Let The Light Shine was number one in the charts in Benin for nine weeks following its release in 2003.
64 - Geoff moved even Tony Leistner to tears at the club’s Harlington training ground this week when he belted out Bartok’s Violin Concerto No.1 using only his tight hamstring and a breadstick from the canteen.
65 - In this week in 1986 The Communards reached no.1 in the singles chart with Don’t Leave Me This Way, a song penned by the chairman of the Dellaware Dung Beetles in a last ditch attempt to get Geoff to agree to sign a new contract at the club. Alas, he left later that Autumn to sign for the Knoxville Knockabouts. (The Communards were indeed no.1 with Don’t Leave Me This Way in September 1986)
66 - If you’ve had so much to drink you’re vomiting into a urinal, Geoff recommends getting a cab home. (Derby County controversy)
67 - Geoff was the original choice to play the character of Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption but turned the part down at the last minute to take up a professional contract with the Seattle Salamanders and was replaced by Tim Robbins. (Shawshank Redemption)
68 - Geoff rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.(Africa, Toto)
69 - Geoff Cameron qualifies for Ireland after successfully visiting every McCarthy’s Bar on the island in a calendar year. (McCarthy’s Bar: A Journey Of Discovery in Ireland, Pete McCarthy)
70 - Geoff Cameron once scored two penalties in a game while captaining the Sacramento Succotash. One with his left foot, and one with his head.
71 - Geoff Cameron thinks Brentford will probably be the best team we’ve faced all season.
72 - If Geoff had been charged with building the Ark he would have left the wasps behind.
73 - Geoff is Middlesbrough’s fourth top goalscorer this season on nought. 74 - Geoff can tell the difference between butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. (The Simpsons)
75 - Geoff won the 43rd World Stare Out Championships, beating Alessandro Kampagnola in the final. (Big Train)
76 - Geoff was originally cast as the lead for the 1999 remake of The Thomas Crown Affair but left the project at the eleventh hour after a row with director John McTiernan and the role went to Pierce Brosnan. He later stole The Lady of Shalott by John William Waterhouse for real, just to prove that he could, hanging a forgery in its place. The original now resides in the downstairs bog at his Newcastle-under-Lyme holiday villa. (The Thomas Crown Affair)
77 - Geoff is the first man to successfully circumnavigate the globe using only the power of positive thinking.
78 - Geoff reads a book a week. (The Office)
79 - Sports analytics firm OPTA credited Geoff’s stylish new man bun with the assist for Naby Sarr’s 95th minute equaliser for Charlton at Loftus Road on Saturday. It’s the bun’s first of the season. (QPR 2 Charlton 2, Christmas 2019)
80 - When interviewed as an expert talking head for the latest series of Investigation Discovery’s On The Case With Paula Zahn, Geoff stated that he believed VAR to be “a crock of shite”. (On The Case With Paula Zahn is a real show on US cablent Investigation Discovery, though it has yet to turn attentions to the great crime of VAR)
82 - Early statistical analysis by Brentford’s owner Matthew Benham turned up Geoff as a potential player to watch while he was playing for the Poughkeepsie Porcupines U11 side but he was rejected for being “too tattooed”.
83 - Geoff was banished from Angel Rangel’s Bridge club when he failed to procure a side of bacon on his designated week.
84 - Geoff has missed training this week after being granted a leave of absence by the club in order to set off on a quest to find Kalvin Phillips’ house.
85 - If Geoff was in charge, we’d have bought Nahki Wells from Bradford City in 2014 when we were too busy pissing about with the likes of St Joseph and trying to persuade Loic Remy not to go to Chelsea.
86 - Geoff will be using his two match ban to get extra practice sessions in up at the Cockfosters Lawn Bowls Club where he is rated as one of the league’s top five most promising young stars. (Yes, it’s a real bowls club)
87 - Geoff has used his two weeks in solitary to locate Kalvin Phillips’ house. Now he waits.
88 - The reason the Holy Grail has never been found is because the staff at Harlington are too afraid to ask Geoff for his favourite coffee cup back.
89 - Geoff spent the majority of the bus ride back from Swansea trying to explain to Joe Lumley how none of the examples given in Alan Morissette’s 1996 hit Ironic are actually ironic, but that this in itself is ironic. It did not go well.
90 - If Geoff had played it would have been 2-0. (Forest A)
91 - While captaining Major League Soccer’s Stubville Hogs Geoff hosted his own easy listening breakfast show on Wichita’s KCFN 91.1FM. (We actually went to the trouble of finding a real radio station - KCFN broadcasts “a Christian format” to the wider Wichita, Kansas, area, and is owned by American Family Association, an affiliate of American Family Radio. The Stubville Hogs is a call back to Planes, Trains and Automobiles).
92 - Geoff’s sweat is actually a cure for Coronavirus, he’s just been too busy monstering Minecraft to let anybody know about it.
93 - Geoff thinks Ilias Chair’s coat looks rather snazzy. (I’m Alan Partridge)
94 - Geoff was Covid-19 patient zero. He killed it to death with a hydroxychloroquine ray-gun. (General Trump shithousery)
95 - Geoff’s new one year contract, signed today, comes with a clause allowing him to fire a gun into the air when he wants people to run off. (The Simpsons)
96 - Geoff is starting to wish he’d taken the refund option on his season ticket rather than letting the club keep the money. It’s his first ever experience of regret.
97 - Geoff is currently the best goalkeeper at the club.
98 - Geoff was placed into administration in 2014 after an addiction to Reese's Pieces decimated his finances.
99 - A 99!! LIKE A 69 BUT 30 WORSE. (Monkey Dust)
100 - Geoff would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in his ear than listen to Sky Sports’ commentary of Leeds promotion sealing win against Barnsley on Thursday night. (Frasier)
101 - Geoff is deeply concerned where his gratuitous mentions of Man Utd, Wayne Rooney and “that night in Barcelona” during early round FA Cup ties between Lincoln City and Northwich Victoria are going to come from now. (Clive Tyldesley’s departure from ITV)
102 - Geoff is a Pokemon Go Throwback Challenge Champion.
103 - Mykonos was founded in the 11th century by Iones from Athens who, with their leader Ippokli, son of Nilea, settled in the place of present day Chora. Geoff carried their bags.
104 - Geoff goes straight into the Ray Wilkins Memorial League of Great Captains at #386, behind Cook, Mainwaring and Scarlet but well ahead of Planet and Birdseye.
105 - Cameron scored QPR’s consolation goal in a 2-1 loss to Coventry at Loftus Road in 1955/56.
106 - The three men Geoff admires most are the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. (American Pie)
107 - Geoff is coordinating the drinks reception, house band and catering for the 2020/21 Ilias Chair coat reveal, brought forward to this week after a sharp turn in the weather.
108 - At school they taught Geoff how to be, so pure in thought and word and deed. They didn’t quite succeed. (It’s A Sin, Pet Shop Boys)
109 - News that Kalvin Phillips could miss three months of Premier League action with Leeds after picking up an injury against Wolves on Monday and rumours of a lockdown-busting celebratory barbecue pit smokeout and ho-down for all Geoff’s friends and family this Sunday are unrelated, a spokesman for Cameron said today.
110 - Geoff actually thinks Lyndon Dykes’ hair looks a bit shit.
111 - Geoff can kill two stones with one bird. (Chuck Norris facts)
112 - Following pleas from the younger players Geoff has reluctantly agreed to fulfil his captain obligations and press ahead with arrangements for Ilias Chair’s birthday party at Thorpe Park, while maintaining his original stance that the trip should be put on hiatus until Ilias is tall enough to go on the rides.
113 - Geoff never done it, he only said he done it so Ireland could be free. (Monkey Dust)
114 - Even Geoff thinks Trump might be pushing it a bit now. (US election)
115 - The greatest trick Geoff ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. (The Usual Suspects)
116 - Geoff still believes that in this world we’ve got to find the time for The Life of Riley. (Lightning Seeds)
117 - Geoff would go all that way on two rotten pair. (Only Fools and Horses)
118 - Somewhere just beyond my reach, Geoff Cameron is reaching back for me. (Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out For a Hero)
119 - All four of QPR’s wins this season have come in games Cameron started and they have lost all four of the league and cup games he has missed – hat trip SteveC. Rangers have 17 points from 12 games with Cameron starting, 11 from 11 with Tom Carroll and five from eight when Dom Ball has begun the game. (Some of the Geoff Cameron Facts will be serious)
120 - Geoff had an extras role in The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down. (The Simpsons)
121 - Geoff was the original host of CBS’ Saturday Night Craparama. (The Simpsons)
122 - If Geoff Cameron says you can’t watch the movie… then it must be really bad. (Home Alone)
123 - At Geoff Cameron’s house the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. (Moe’s Tavern, The Simpsons)
124 - Geoff believes England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston. (The Simpsons)
125 - Andie McDowell once bought Geoff Cameron for $338.98 in a blind auction. (Groundhog Day)
126 - Geoff has sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook (The Simpsons)
127 - Geoff never gives up, he’s always thirsty for more. (Home Alone)
128 - Geoff wouldn’t slide into someone's DMs whether Jordy De Wijs scores or not. (QPR Twitter’s controversy of the week)
129 - Geoff wouldn’t let you sleep in his room if you were growing on his ass.(Home Alone)
130 - Geoff never has a second cup of coffee at home. (Airplane)
131 - Geoff knows what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked in the head with an iron boot. (Airplane)
132 - Todd Kane’s celebration on Saturday was, in fact, a heartfelt plea to Geoff Cameron to stop performing his motivational karaoke version of 'Cotton Eyed Joe' at the end of every halftime team talk.
133 - Geoff wouldn’t give you a gun if it was World War Three. (Tremors)
134 - Geoff was the original bassist in Uncle Dirtnap. (Frasier, although Uncle Dirtnap are a real ‘group’)
135 - Geoff wouldn’t let you sleep in his room if you were growing on his ass. (Home Alone)
136 - Geoff’s got enough on his mind without worrying about times when things weren’t so good (Airplane)
137 – Geoff can’t believe things have got so bad in this city that there’s no way back. (Ghostbusters 2)
138 - Geoff wants to go to Wandsworth. The dodgy end. (Love Actually)
139 - Geoff’s contract renewal hangs on finding somebody who can not only fly a plane, but didn’t have fish for dinner. (Airplane)
140 - Geoff plays piano, every Friday at the Hollywood. (Marc Cohn, Walking in Memphis)
141 - QPR have won 11 of 18 since their season turnaround began with a 2-0 victory at Luton on January 12, losing five of the other seven, for a win percentage of 61%. Geoff has only played in three of those defeats, giving him a record of W9 D2 L3, and a win percentage of 64%. Sometimes the Geoff Cameron Facts will be actual facts.
142 - When viewed in the correct order Geoff’s tattoos form the only reliable map in existence of the quickest way to street level from the Northern Line platforms at Bank Monument tube station. (Memento)
143 - Geoff Cameron’s birthday party is 60% putting a crew together and 40% explaining how the birthday had already happened. (Rick & Morty)
144 - Geoff wonders whether Bryan Adams wasn’t a bit young for a six string and a serious relationship in 1969.
145 - Geoff thought The West Wing was crap.
146 – This magnificent feast here represents the last of the Geoff Cameron facts. (Ghostbusters)
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