| Angry letter 15:21 - Sep 8 with 1239 views | QPunkR |
I was just reading an article listing the top 50 players in the new FIFA (not interesting but I'm bored) and in the comments section someone posted this, which is one of the funniest things I've read in an age. It reaches it's zenith near the end, so persevere;
I love these lists because it reminds me of this;
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fúcking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fúcking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fúcking 12. I rate you a fúcking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.
It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fúck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fúck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.
John, you are such a fúcking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fúcking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fúcking face. Fúck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a — 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fúck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fúcking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fúckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.
Fúck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fúck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright |  |
| |  |
| Angry letter on 15:50 - Sep 8 with 1178 views | toboboly |
That is a genius letter  |  |
| Sexy Asian dwarves wanted. |
| |
| Angry letter on 15:53 - Sep 8 with 1166 views | QPunkR |
| Angry letter on 15:50 - Sep 8 by toboboly |
That is a genius letter |
Had me in stitches the longer it went on, just imagining this NFL player getting more and more incensed as he wrote this slumped at his computer! | |
| |
| Angry letter on 16:09 - Sep 8 with 1113 views | toboboly |
| Angry letter on 15:53 - Sep 8 by QPunkR |
Had me in stitches the longer it went on, just imagining this NFL player getting more and more incensed as he wrote this slumped at his computer! |
He's bringing the thunder!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 | |
| Sexy Asian dwarves wanted. |
| |
| |
By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions.
