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Dangerous Activities
at 21:11 5 Oct 2021

Booping a crocodile
Butt-chugging tabasco
Giving Jordy de Wijs a wedgie
The Important Question
at 19:22 17 Sep 2021

Does PinnerPaul get the job (unpaid) of Chief Match Thread Starter for Saturday? That's right, we're unafraid to tackle the real issues here.
Crisis As Rangers Ace Hits Goal Drought
at 23:11 18 Aug 2021

[Post edited 18 Aug 23:12]
Dom Ball - Top Fella
at 12:56 13 May 2021

I know I poke fun at Dom Ball, primarily because he plays like someone who's won a prize to be there, but he's got more going on:


Take a bow Dom Ball, PFA Community Champion. To nick Clive's phrase: 'Stand up Dom. Everybody look at Dom'.
The Early Edition Muck, Nettles and Sharon Match Thread
at 12:35 16 Apr 2021

Well-loved, fondly remembered former manager, leading out a new shiny squad against us after repeatedly retiring from the game? This would normally raise a few eyebrows but not in this case as Neil Warnock hasn't got any.

His eyebrows have been missing since 1989 but there have been several sightings in recent years, most notably they were thought to have been spotted replacing Mo Farah's moustache in 2012.

8-0 Rangers. Warnock to retire at half time and rejoin the club in the 47th minute for one more go at promotion. Dom Ball gets sent off for karate chopping himself in the face.
The Early Edition 'Footballers, Sir. Thousands of Them...' Match Thread
at 14:09 4 Apr 2021

Currently, the UN recognises 195 countries, with a world population of 7.8 billion, representing thousands of different cultures, traditions and languages. Our differences are many, however, there is one thing that unites the entire human race: the fact that Nottingham Forest's squad contains at least one representative of each of the world's nations. Like some latter day Noah's ark, Forest has chosen to gather two of every culture, preserving the essence of humanity in case of cataclysm.

Can QPR's rag tag collection of waifs, strays and Dom Ball make any impact on this cast of thousands?

Definitely. 2-0 Rangers.
Warb's Halftime Talk?
at 03:18 18 Mar 2021

'Well, gentlemen. I think they've been given enough hope now, don't you...?

Begin Operation Mindfcuk'.
The Really Early 'FredManRave Made Me Do It' Barnstoneworth United Match Thread
at 11:22 1 Mar 2021

It was 1874 and Zebediah Ivanhoe Scrimshaw was reeling after being laid off from Bickerthwaites Clog Factory after 10 years service.
'Unemployed. On t'scrag 'eap at the age o' 17' he sighed to Hector his faithful whippet as he trudged wearily down roads that would later be copyrighted by Hovis.* Even putting another ferret down his trousers couldn't lift his gloom. It helped but only briefly. It were no good. He'd heard that a young man of action could make his fortune down int' that there London - mebbe there'd be a place for a lad such as him, a hearty cherub of a lad with only a hint of tuberculosis, a squint and an orthapaedic clog. He packed his bag, said goodbye to his 19 siblings and got onto the first train South...

Today, visitors from Barnsley are equally as dazzled by the sights, sounds and smells of that there London. The running water. The electricity. The complete lack of incesant brass band music. It all adds up to a heady assault on the senses. And yet, the hopes and dreams of Zebediah Ivanhoe Scrimshaw are still very much evident in the coal-streaked faces of the Barnsley team that come looking for fame, glory or a chip and gravy barm cake. As manager Valerian Ismael says 'It'd be easer for a Grimethorpe pigeon fancier t' gerrint Belper whippet racin' club'house than t' gerra win theer'.

2-0 Rangers.

* Even though they were actually in Shaftesbury.
The Early Edition Rhyming Slang 'Aitor Karanka' Match Thread
at 11:42 26 Feb 2021

Currently undefeated when starting match threads this season, I was unsurprised when Warbs 'Warby' Warburton called this morning and insisted that I start this one. 'Dorse', he said, for we are close and often share recipes, 'you know what to do'.

Sadly, I didn't but it was nice of him to call.

The Early Edition Midweek Northern 'Shithousery Special' Match Thread
at 09:00 23 Feb 2021

It has been estimated that approximately 13.8 billion years have passed since the beginning of the universe as we know it. Scientists have calculated that around 39% of that time has been wasted by Preston players feigning injury, complaining to the ref or kicking the ball away when their team is a goal up. These figures are startling: it seemed so much longer at the time.

What, if anything, can we expect playing north of Watford gap, midweek, at Preston? Under normal circumstances, a piss-boiling display of rampant gob-bummery administered ad nauseum by the game's foremost exponents of the Dark Arts. Coached by Baphomet himself, Preston have clearly offered their first born daughters to the Evil One in order to gain mystical control over time itself and weakened the minds of Championship referees. Is there any hope?

Yep. We got Charlie Austin. So there.
[Post edited 24 Feb 8:54]
at 09:50 2 Feb 2021

As an unashamed Weeb, I have had occasion to observe the glory that is Girl Und Panzer. In one particular instance, when the Ooarai team loses a challenge, they have to perform the Ankou Dance.

Watford: this is you.

We, on the other hand, be like:

[Post edited 2 Feb 9:55]
The 'Silent T' Match Thread
at 08:58 1 Feb 2021

My record in starting match threads is something akin to falling down an open sewer to avoid walking under a ladder but here goes:

I would expect a result today. Preferably a win but failing that, a draw. However, a loss is also possible,
Off Topic
at 09:23 10 Jan 2021

Have just walked into the office and found the kids helpless with laughter after instructing Alexa to play 'Mr Farts'. As if that wasn't enough, they then asked for 'Reggae Farts'. I was forced to leave in order to maintain my dignity,

I cannot be the only denizen of this venerable institution to be so appalled by his progeny's use of modern technology.
So What Now?
at 11:33 17 Dec 2020

Cards on the table, I was pretty excited about the team this season: actual money paid to us in transfers, strikers on the books rather than borrowed from St Pterodactyl's Home For The Benched, younger players getting a chance, Geoff Cameron had got rid of the man-bun. I mean, things were looking good and if not 'good' then 'not crap' at the very least.

All of those things still hold true but I can't help feeling that somehow, somewhere, the slobbering hound of fate is waiting to lick the shining goolies of hope during the Christmas dinner of team development.
[Post edited 17 Dec 2020 11:34]
I Like Our New Kit
at 13:03 24 Aug 2020

There. I've said it.
Jordan Jones?
at 12:03 3 Aug 2020

Various outlets reporting Warbs 'Warby' Warburton is interested in bringing in Jordan Jones from Rangers. Out of contract - winger / number 10 sort of thing. Looks like Preston fancy him too.

[Post edited 3 Aug 2020 12:05]
Leeds Promoted
at 10:05 18 Jul 2020

Let the unfettered media felch-gargle begin!
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