Imagine a cross between Tier list mania and LFW sarcasm, you’ve just imagined Upstairs, Downstairs a new irregular guest column contribution written by Esquimonell’s biggest fan Jack Karran.

When I first pitched this idea to Clive he “didn’t understand this” so I broke down the premise. QPR related tangents are either based Upstairs (for the layman’s reading, good) or Downstairs, like a Celar. See that’s the high level of punnage you’ve come to expect and the best thing? Nothing vicious. Some “columnists” would have picked on some less fortunate aspects of Zan like his abysmal goal record, or the fact the Frankfurt lot didn’t seem to respect him. Not me though, I didn’t mention it. No need.

I don’t want to say I’m better (and to be fair I don’t hear many of you saying this either), it’s just not my style. Some people are intimidated when writing articles for large numbers of LFW readers in an entertaining way. Not me, I’ve had experience. I’m one of few people you’ll meet who’s written more articles than they’ve read. That is if you count my AKUTR’s contributions currently enthralling readers.

Upstairs

1. Charles’ distribution, by God what a joy that is. I say we break his legs before he tries to get away. Although a cheeky bid for him whilst the Shittyzens (you can have that, it’s free) are in a spot of bother, might be worth a punt. Charles has one specific routine which entertains me so much. When he receives the ball and he has already decided to pass to the right centre back there’s not a damn thing the opposition striker can do to stop it. Seeing them try every which way to stop that pass and for it to fail every time whilst they get more and more annoyed. Charge right at him? Quick pass to the right. Slowly press him? He’s delicately dinking that ball over your stupid head. Try curving your run now will you? Ball gets moved to his left foot and finds the centre back in oceans of space as they helplessly charge back. Inevitably they give up, but those first four or five failed presses are one of life's simple pleasures. The only technique that could potentially cause trouble for Charles would be the infamous Seb Polter crab walk. Turns out he saves penalties too.

2. Christ has risen, if by Christ you meant Todd Kane and by risen you mean Adamsen frightfully looked like the second coming, then sure. I’m positive Toddy would claim the comparisons to Christ would be fair. I do think the turnaround from what I thought Adamsen was to what he is showing us now is not too far from the turnaround from “pronounced dead” to being transferred to a better tomb and pronounced “alive”. Mayhaps we should not write players off so quickly, I’m looking at you Esquibimbilybob doubters. His block, flush to the face at Charlton was a particular highlight.

3. Am I the only one who enjoyed the extended break? I get QPR’d rather often, mainly due to my appalling recent home record which required its own thread might be challenging Jamie Perry for the “Angel of Doom” moniker. However, this break has provided some light-hearted levity (BOTH?!) to proceedings, mainly in the shape of the City tsunami of shit. God knows how that gets sorted but I’m more angry at how the Battersea scummers kept getting off the hook so lightly. It’s like having two serial killers, one has tried to cover it up and could be facing a trip to Tennessee, the other confesses and gets 20 hours of HMS Wandsworth fun time.

The nation's favourite day of the year, also known as Fan Forum day, was a bit of a letdown. My father decided against resubmitting his “transformational” idea of not only digging down, but rotating “Loftus” 90 degrees after several podcasts openly mocked the idea last time around. The message board becomes a gold mine with no games to chat about with each thread seemingly, at most, eight lines away from bringing things back to good ol’ Kolli.

Downstairs

1. King Richard Kone. I feel very sorry for old Rich (yes that’s the nickname I’lll use thank you) especially with the level of abuse he’s copped this season. Last year an Elephant tranquiliser would not have stopped him, the bionic knee barely slowed him as he kept on playing. Whilst everyone else was falling like flies, we would have been in the shitter with no striker. Seems like an all-round decent bloke and I think clearly still carrying the injury from last year, and now I see some mushroom-induced claims that he is on the same level as Dykes. To those I say Bosh Flimshaw! Just as he had a chance to rebuild his fitness, some wank pheasant from Bolton tried to kill him to death in a Dev game. Pleb.

2. Despite the sideways glances I get when shouting “AFTER THE GAME, NO AFTER! WHY ARE YOU SIGNING ALONG, YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT”, I will bravely continue until the walkout song is changed. Sadly, I missed the “bleeding blue and white” with subsequent booing intro but I maintain “Hi-Ho Silver Lining” is of great impact for us as it’s so scantily heard. We are not a midlands or Sheffield club so ruddy hell stop acting like it. I say we form our identity on being old school and not following modern trends. Long are the days of players running onto the pitch and Ainsworth booting the ball high and up towards our goal. You know we were in for a good one if it ended up in the net. While we are letting it all flop out, I sure hope we never play in a second or third kit at home and, ideally, never wear the lilac monstrosity full stop. It seems like we are getting a lot of stuff on the football side of things right (barring injury management) but keep scoring a few own goals on the other side. Silver Lining is Daphne's song. We play it in celebration of victories, and in celebration of her. You don't mess around with things like that.

3. The king is dead! Long live the Moroccan prince. That’s right, our own demigod has sadly decided to hang up his boots. There are family members (you know who you are) I would sacrifice for just one final season playing for us. I was, and still am, too young to have lived through other idols of this ilk we have had at our div club. No one player has ever brought me this much joy and excitement. In order to avoid my humorous intro into this section being taken a bit too literally by a small number and to reassure you, the king is not dead.

Pictures - Reuters Connect

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