New LFW columnist Jack Karran wonders what has become of our 45-yard-POWERDRIVE specialist Esquerdinha because, well, he misses him…

As you may or may not be aware, the QPR online space, like many areas of modern life, has entered a rather tiring culture war of sorts. A line in the sand has been drawn: are you pro or anti Esquidinrha? On one side you’ve got me, and Esqrinrhna, and on the other you have, well, everybody else.

João Henrique Mendes da Silva (who rebadged to Esquerdinha, you fool) was signed by the R’s after his data appeared to show him as an exciting prospect. Or his agent, fella by the name of Rike Migg (yes that will do) managed to coax us into believing Barcelona were linked to him (Reported by FLW so we can rest assured their sources are air-tight). I find this hard to believe, we are not the kind of club to get hoodwinked by an agent.

Now, I know everyone has become rather enamoured with Ronald Edwards (not you Burnley) , and his cheek bones, or a homegrown lad like Kolli who our regime seem to hate for seemingly being confident, the cheek on him. Maybe it's Chair’s consistent quality and loyalty (court proceedings and injuries entirely coincidental I'm sure) or Madsen’s Furlong-esq comeback. But me? Oh, but give me a young pro like an Esquerdinha, I’d jump into bed with him in a second. I do hope people have seen Arrested Development or my first impression ratings may hit depths they’ll never bounce back from.

Bewilderment and annoyance often met my face whenever I cheered for the inclusion of our Esqponita in the starting 11, often in more and more random places. Not played for a few months? As the most Brazilian of all our wingbacks, will be snu snu’d by the Coventry wingers. Then the Ipswich wingers. Then the Southampton wingers. Then the Ipswich wingers again.

As we all know, defending is for nerds. The kind of nerds who love xG. Esq sticks his two fingers up at xG as he takes his fourth POWERDRIVE from 40 yards. May I suggest a pass to a teammate? You have selected POWERDRIVE. Ball is in, Upper School End. One of these days he will score one of these, and not in the dev squad. So what if he can’t defend, that’s how people know he’s a Brazilian wingback, what's the point in having a Brazilian wingback if you can’t show him off?! What is QPR if not for this?

Can I shock you? I’m not the only one who was excited about Esquidinya, despite what I just said earlier. Our great and fearless leader, with that Jose Mourinho suave don’t you know, says Esqupapa “has the potential to develop into an interesting talent in the context of our inverted full-back profile”. The amount of times I overheard similar conversations down the Vale would shock you.

When fans reminisce about the best moments from last year, I rarely, nay never hear about the undisputed king. Now, is that down to some anti-Esquiredinho conspiracy to try and keep him down? That’s unsaid, notwithstanding the last written sentence. I am of course referring to that most glorious of games, Oxford 0-0 QPR electric boogaloo.

Oxford clear their lines, the ball comes down covered in snow, bouncing in our defensive left side. Esqmiranda has acres of space, think for action? No, time for strategy. The first bounce, and thunderous smack against the grass. Still, we wait. A lesser baller would have brought the ball down and tried starting a new attack. They’re not playing this 4d chess. He is poised. A second bounce. This is most irregular. A sorry Oxford player takes the bait, chasing after the lost cause. I think we would all rather be a baiter than a chomper (Beckenhamhoop, 2026). Now we feast. As the ball drops for an unprecedented third bounce, with the closing player a mere meter or so away, Esquerdinha decides to twat the ball like it’s never been twatted before. Pow, right in the kisser. The bloke is down, presumed dead. Oh dear, send a ham to his widow. And our glorious left back, walks off to get the ball, no apology, barely a look back. After lengthy neck-elongating treatment, the Oxford player survives. Oh good, CANCEL THE HAM! The pure gratuitous violence and unnecessariness (vowel please Carol) of it, Sue Perb. As Fergie (no, not that one) would say “He could’ve been killed”. This moment of joy is something I may need to delve into with my shrink.

Still yet to win you over? Try this one on for size, the bloke has miraculous powers of recovery. Given our recent injury record, can we really afford not to build the team around him? Again (again?), again with Oxford (a) last year, he broke his leg in about five places. You don't go down like that, and have to be stretchered off as he was unless you have. A few days later he's back in training, pulled over and said “what were you worried about”? No other explanation needed.

Yet, like every great Shakespearean novel, trouble is a foot. (Another point against our physio department…) No squad number, rumours that he’s off, a complete lack of any level of any defensive positioning. I fear his morale may have plummeted last year being behind steady eddy RND last year with his 1G 0A, especially without attempting even one POWERDRIVE.

To rub salt into the wound, a second left back has arrived, Dennis. Initially, and mayhaps optimistically, I assumed this was to provide further cover to Esqunundra and his back up boy. Sorry. His back up, Boy (fucking 27!). Alas, this appears not to be the case as he seems destined for the chopping block. I’ve heard Barcelona are back in for him so if we are getting north of £20mil, I fear we have to take it. It’s not goodbye, see you later.

Pictures - Ian Randall Photography

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