| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 862201 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:32 - Aug 2 with 8735 views | QPRSteve |
Not a joke as such but this tickled me. Taken from a BBC website.
For a while everyone in Northampton knew the sign outside the hospital that said “Family planning advice — use rear entrance.” | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:51 - Aug 2 with 8680 views | Sonofpugwash |
I've just released my own fragrance.
The people on the bus didn't seem to like it. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:09 - Aug 2 with 8669 views | Esox_Lucius |
Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my tattoos.
All she needs is a shoulder to crayon. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:15 - Aug 2 with 8659 views | Sonofpugwash |
My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.
She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.
I replied “Wooden tie?” | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:20 - Aug 5 with 8450 views | Esox_Lucius |
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the fück did your hair?" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:29 - Aug 5 with 8325 views | Esox_Lucius |
Yesterday, I had a flat tyre on the motorway coming home.
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy.
It wasn't long before the police pulled up behind me.
The policeman got out of his car and walked towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tyre," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him...
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:51 - Aug 5 with 8314 views | Boston |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:24 - Jun 10 by johncharles |
Starting my new job on Monday. I’ll be doing circumcisions. £300 a week and my share of the tips |
Planting those tips should produce a good crop of 'dictaters'. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:08 - Aug 6 with 8299 views | DavieQPR |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:51 - Aug 5 by Boston |
Planting those tips should produce a good crop of 'dictaters'. |
Only with foresight and you avoid going cock eyed. |  | | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:16 - Aug 6 with 8296 views | Boston |
Spanish Armada Posters.
In Co Mayo, in the hills outside the small town of Aghagower, there resides a family called Pasquale's. As is the norm in these once isolated communities, everyone knows everything about you, right down to the colour of your underwear. Apparently this family's name has been present in the area for hundreds of years...because, yes you guessed it. [Post edited 6 Aug 2021 0:30]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:03 - Aug 8 with 8115 views | Esox_Lucius |
I have started to call my Grandad Spiderman; not because he has superpowers but because he finds it almost impossible to get out of the bath. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:38 - Aug 8 with 8068 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to see the house where the man who invented toothpaste lived all his life but I couldn't find it anywhere as there was no plaque. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:06 - Aug 9 with 7917 views | qprphil |
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand, and orders a shandy. All the Kiwi's look up expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, " your're not from round here are ya?" The guy says, "no I'm from Canada." The bartender says, " what did you do in Canada.?" The guy says, " I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, " a tixidermist?"
"What the hick is a tixidermist?" Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yell's, " he's okay boys, he's one of us." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:16 - Aug 10 with 7745 views | Esox_Lucius |
Just one time in my life I had the chance to make love to a Princess.
Never again, I burnt my balls on the exhaust. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:17 - Aug 10 with 7656 views | Sonofpugwash |
My boss said; "You're the worst train driver we have. Do you know how many trains you've crashed?"
Me;"Dunno, it's hard to keep track. " | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:17 - Aug 10 with 7566 views | Sonofpugwash |
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got badly stuck.
I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:29 - Aug 11 with 7390 views | Sonofpugwash |
I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.
He said, “Oh my God — was it moving?”
I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.” | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:34 - Aug 11 with 7319 views | eghamranger |
Apparently your can’t use beef stew as a password. It’s just not stroganoff. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:02 - Aug 11 with 7302 views | Esox_Lucius |
As I was passing by a pet shop I saw a sign in the window advertising "Kitten from the Netherlands for sale".
I popped in and asked the owner "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:49 - Aug 12 with 7152 views | Sonofpugwash |
I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.
But, in the end, I just had to call it a day. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:32 - Aug 12 with 7045 views | Esox_Lucius |
I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out." | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:07 - Aug 13 with 6907 views | Sonofpugwash |
Babysat last week, all under 5.
One of them asked me "Where does poo come from?"
Honesty is the best policy with kids - so I said, "Well, food is full of good and bad bits. Your body uses the good bits, and the bad bits make poo".
She looks confused and says "What about Tigger?" | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:27 - Aug 14 with 6763 views | Sonofpugwash |
I bought a coat in the sale. Pre-sale price was £200 but I got it for £25. It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
(Give 'em Hull today lads) [Post edited 14 Aug 2021 14:28]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:11 - Aug 15 with 9429 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges...
I told him probably to put them on eBay. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:19 - Aug 15 with 9422 views | Esox_Lucius |
The gaps between the treads on ladders has been slowly increasing over the years due to people getting taller.
The manufacturers have said it is down to climb it change. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:15 - Aug 16 with 9258 views | johann28 |
Two wives go out on a girl's night. They both get pissed senseless and walk home. En route they're both desperate for a pee, and eventually spy a cemetery they can hide in. No loo paper, so wife A uses her knickers and wife B uses part of a wreath attached to a grave.
All hell breaks loose with the hubbys the following morning. 'That's the last time she goes out to play with the girls', Hubby A sneeringly says to Hubby B. 'She came back, flopped on the sofa, and had no knickers on!'. 'Ah', says Hubby B, 'you think you've got problems. My wife came back and crashed out with a card up her arse saying 'thanks for the memories, our love to you from all the fire brigade.' |  | | |
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