| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 862239 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:23 - Sep 14 with 10400 views | Esox_Lucius |
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that I had been reciting extracts from 'The Lord of the rings'.
I said "what??? you mean I've been Tolkien in my sleep?" |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:07 - Sep 18 with 10187 views | Sonofpugwash |
I'm in a band called Lysdexia,we just released an album of Greatest Shits. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:26 - Sep 20 with 9911 views | Boston |
I was disqualified from my first professional chess match for attempting to move my castle first.
Rookie error. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:38 - Sep 20 with 9785 views | Esox_Lucius |
I have just bought a pet Impala. I have called him Vlad. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:46 - Sep 20 with 9774 views | Esox_Lucius |
An old guy was out driving in his car and lost concentration wihich resulted in him going into the back of a new Lamborghini Aventador.
He got out of the car to exchange details and the owner of the Lambo grabs him round the throat and says "Give me £10k to fix that so I don't have to go through the insurance"
The old feller says "I don't have £10k on me"
The Lambo owner says "Well what are you going to do about it? I want £10k off you"
The old boy says "Let me call my son, he trains Dolphins, he'll sort this out"
Lambo owner says "I don't care who he trains, get him over here pronto"
The old boy phones his son and tells the Lambo owner that he is on his way.
5 minutes later a small van pulls up and four extremely large and fit looking blokes jump out and proceed to beat the snot out of the Lambo owner.
When they have finished, one of them walks over to the old boy and says "Are you alright dad?" and he replies "I'm fine son and thanks for bringing your Dolphins with you"
The son sighs and says "How many times have I told you dad, I train Navy Seals, not Dolphins". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:15 - Sep 22 with 9463 views | Sonofpugwash |
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches but all it does is shit on the floor. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 08:24 - Sep 23 with 9301 views | Esox_Lucius |
Guy walking his dog meets a friend on his way to a pub, his friend says "do you fancy a pint?"
He said "I can't, I have my dog with me" his friend said "tell him it's your guide dog" the guy said "he'll never believe that, it’s a Jack Russell”
His friend said "well it's worth a try" so they both go in with the dog.
At the bar, the barman says " I'm sorry no dogs allowed" the guy says " but it's my guide dog".
The barman says "well I've never seen one of those dogs used as a guide dog" the guy replies " why what have they given me?" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:49 - Sep 23 with 9193 views | Sonofpugwash |
My missus thinks it’s weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she’d just let me in. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:33 - Sep 23 with 9108 views | BlackCrowe |
My dad used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
Great bloke...
Terrible anaesthetist. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:39 - Sep 26 with 8892 views | Sonofpugwash |
The forreman of a large worksite noticed a new labourer and barked at him..
"What's you name?"
"John" the new bloke replied.
The foreman scowled and said "Look,I don't know what kind of wishy washy outfit you were at before but I don't use first names,it's weak and it wastes time.I only use last names so if I want things done I'll just yell Baker,Smith,Brown or whoever,get it?Now that we've got that straight what's your last name?"
"Darling.I'm John Darling."
"Okay John,here's what I want you to do..." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:15 - Sep 28 with 8654 views | loftboy |
Scientists have proved that the first two humans on earth were cockneys. Can you Adam and Eve it. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:19 - Sep 28 with 8650 views | loftboy |
How ridiculous.
At todays Labour Party Conference they have said they intend banning all pencils and rulers from schools.
I mean, where do you draw the line? | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:37 - Sep 30 with 8441 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was invited to the christening of one of my friends children. The priest wore a wig and a fake moustache during the ceremony so I asked my friend what was going on. "It's a blessing in disguise" he told me. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:38 - Sep 30 with 8439 views | Esox_Lucius |
I took my Dalmatian to the a dog groomers today; he came back spotless. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:01 - Oct 1 with 8287 views | larsricchi |
Went to a billiards table showcase the other day.
Felt amazing. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:52 - Oct 3 with 8054 views | qprphil |
Diane Abbot said, " don't we make anything here anymore, I bought a new TV and it said built in antenna. I don't even know where the hell that is. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 08:27 - Oct 4 with 7866 views | Lblock |
I got invited out last night.
Place was really odd - - - just full of slightly embarrassed people moaning about a prickly, burning sensation they all had and a most of them had a rash down one side of their bodies.
It's the last Shingles Night I'm ever going to I tell yah. |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:59 - Oct 6 with 7631 views | Sonofpugwash |
Did you know that The Dog Star is moving towards us at 9 miles per second.
One day we'll be in Sirius trouble. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:30 - Oct 6 with 7563 views | acricketer |
Bus drivers - Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:11 - Oct 7 with 7420 views | Sonofpugwash |
Was chatting to a fellow shopper at the checkout.
"What do you do in your spare time?" asks I
"I stalk people" she says.
"Really? I like to take the dog for a walk down by the lake."
"I know.Didn't think much about the odd socks." she replied. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:44 - Oct 7 with 7380 views | hantssi |
Did you know that that people who keep Koi, you know the people I mean, every 4th fish is a fake plastic fish, it to keep the other fish safe.
So if you imagine, you’ve got A Koi, B Koi, C Koi and every 4th fish is a D Koi! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:23 - Oct 10 with 7191 views | loftboy |
Janet Street Porter was in a restaurant, she called the waiter over and said, "Could I have a large aperitif?" The waiter said, "I fûcking doubt it Janet." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:45 - Oct 10 with 11484 views | loftboy |
POLICE UPDATE
Thieves who stole 3 ton of tarmac have been in hiding for 2 months now. A police spokesman said " We are hoping they will resurface soon | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:27 - Oct 14 with 11209 views | Boston |
What's the difference between broccoli and a bogey?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
What did 'progressives' use before candles?
Electricity. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:23 - Oct 16 with 10979 views | NewBee |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:23 - Oct 10 by loftboy |
Janet Street Porter was in a restaurant, she called the waiter over and said, "Could I have a large aperitif?" The waiter said, "I fûcking doubt it Janet." |
Reminds me of the quip by Graham Carr that when he interviewed Street-Porter, it sounded like two seagulls fighting over a chip. [Post edited 16 Oct 2022 17:28]
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