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On every stag do, there is at least one bloke who turns out to be either really mouthy and annoying or a complete loose cannon nutcase. If it's your colleague's stag do, the loose cannon will always be your colleague's brother, if it's a mate's stag do, they will be the groom's brother-in-law. You'll be introduced to them at the airport/train station, and by lunchtime, eight different people will have said to you, "Mate, Dave's brother's a bit of a loose cannon, eh" or "Dave's brother-in-law's a bit of a kno b, isn't he". Everyone will then spend the rest of the weekend trying to avoid being sat next to them in the Argentine steakhouse or stuck in the same mini-round.
I went on a 48 Hour Harwich - Cuxhaven ferry trip for my colleague's stag do, and spent most of it trying to avoid his brother, who over the course of the trip, managed to have an actual fight with a fruit machine, offer-out 2 of the stag do, the DJ on the ferry, the bloke organising the charity raffle on the ferry after he failed to win some aftershave, a waiter in a Cuxhaven restaurant at about 09:30 in the morning, and a man who bumped into his bag at Liverpool Street as we were all saying goodbye to each other. It was like being on a really shi t cruise with the world's most volatile man. It was stressful. He spent every waking moment talking about Tony Cottee, fighting at the football or road rage fights - and this was before road rage existed as a thing. The lad who ended up sharing a cabin with him still suffers from PTSD.
On the mouthy front, my mate had his stag-do in Liverpool and his brother-in-law (who people were trying to avoid by Watford Junction) just had a talent for annoying everyone by being far too gobby with strangers and completely oblivious to the amount of people saying something to us along the lines of, "You wanna tell your mate to shut-up, lads...".
I've never been on a stag-do with a footballer, but I reckon these players would be liable to start a full-on 9am Wetherspoons brawl with a 40-strong stag-do from Newport: Billy Whitehurst, Mick Harford, Mark Dennis, Steve Williams, Nigel Pearson, Roy Keane, Graeme Souness, Duncan Ferguson, Kenny Burns, Julian Dicks, Robert Hopkins, Pat van den Hauwe, Jesper Olsen (not really).
Mouthy footballers you would spend the whole weekend apologising for after your mouthy footballer had managed to upset a rough-looking 40-strong stag-do from Mansfield: Dennis Wise, Craig Bellamy, John Arne Riise, Frank Le Beuf, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Joey Barton, Tim Sherwood, Michael Brown, Alan Brazil, Dele Alli.
Who would you add to those lists?
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 14:47]
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 17:55 - Jun 6 with 2083 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 17:27 - Jun 6 by Konk
Jimmy Bullard is a great shout. He would be a disaster. I cannot imagine how bad he’d be after a few hours on the pop.
Dennis Wise is the first name on my mouthy footballers who get you into bother list.
There’s another category - At some point, I will go off on one about Chelsea and ten minutes in, someone will go, “Steve’s a Chelsea fan”, at which point Steve mumbles something about the shed, Going home and away in the second division and how they never liked all the NF stuff. By the end of the weekend I’ve met another Chelsea fan I quite like and i feel a bit dirty. I reckon Frank Lampard could be the Chelsea who’s actually surprisingly okay. Eddie Newton, Pat Nevin and Graeme Le Saux too.
Yep, you had Dennis right where he deserves to be. And to think that comes from W12. Shame on all of us.
Jimmy Bullard, Ray Parlour AND David Bentley, all on Vodka Red Bulls, banging on everyone's hotel doors at 6am, one of them's got hold of the fire extinguisher...
Neil Lennon's going to be hard work too.
Always had Mark Hateley down as a prize wnker even before he disgraced the Hoops.
Think there's been some sort of problem with the second half of your post though. Is it in code? Has someone hacked your account?
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 18:14 - Jun 6 with 2058 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 18:04 - Jun 6 by DannytheR
Yep, you had Dennis right where he deserves to be. And to think that comes from W12. Shame on all of us.
Jimmy Bullard, Ray Parlour AND David Bentley, all on Vodka Red Bulls, banging on everyone's hotel doors at 6am, one of them's got hold of the fire extinguisher...
Neil Lennon's going to be hard work too.
Always had Mark Hateley down as a prize wnker even before he disgraced the Hoops.
Think there's been some sort of problem with the second half of your post though. Is it in code? Has someone hacked your account?
my son served Lennon drinks in a pub he was working in. Said he was really nice. Not.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 18:18 - Jun 6 with 2049 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 18:04 - Jun 6 by DannytheR
Yep, you had Dennis right where he deserves to be. And to think that comes from W12. Shame on all of us.
Jimmy Bullard, Ray Parlour AND David Bentley, all on Vodka Red Bulls, banging on everyone's hotel doors at 6am, one of them's got hold of the fire extinguisher...
Neil Lennon's going to be hard work too.
Always had Mark Hateley down as a prize wnker even before he disgraced the Hoops.
Think there's been some sort of problem with the second half of your post though. Is it in code? Has someone hacked your account?
Bullard would spend the weekend bothering every woman he came into contact with before finally being told to fu ck-off by a Hen party from Runcorn. Saturday morning, the hotel manager is warning Ogrizovic, Seaman and Alan Smith that the whole group will be thrown-out if there's any more nonsense.
Steve Bruce, Phil Brown or Tony Gale is the groom's dad.
On the Chelsea front - this has happened to me 3 times - I'm now up to 5 Chelsea fans I like or sort of like. Lampard - I have screamed abuse at him on many occasions, but I have heard from people that have had dealings with him, that he's actually very good on the charity front and a decent bloke. I reckon you might be pleasantly surprised.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 20:05]
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:02 - Jun 6 with 1963 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 19:59 - Jun 6 by Konk
Bullard would spend the weekend bothering every woman he came into contact with before finally being told to fu ck-off by a Hen party from Runcorn. Saturday morning, the hotel manager is warning Ogrizovic, Seaman and Alan Smith that the whole group will be thrown-out if there's any more nonsense.
Steve Bruce, Phil Brown or Tony Gale is the groom's dad.
On the Chelsea front - this has happened to me 3 times - I'm now up to 5 Chelsea fans I like or sort of like. Lampard - I have screamed abuse at him on many occasions, but I have heard from people that have had dealings with him, that he's actually very good on the charity front and a decent bloke. I reckon you might be pleasantly surprised.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 20:05]
is this what they call 'gaslighting'?.
I won't have it, see.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 20:02]
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:17 - Jun 6 with 1948 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 19:59 - Jun 6 by Konk
Bullard would spend the weekend bothering every woman he came into contact with before finally being told to fu ck-off by a Hen party from Runcorn. Saturday morning, the hotel manager is warning Ogrizovic, Seaman and Alan Smith that the whole group will be thrown-out if there's any more nonsense.
Steve Bruce, Phil Brown or Tony Gale is the groom's dad.
On the Chelsea front - this has happened to me 3 times - I'm now up to 5 Chelsea fans I like or sort of like. Lampard - I have screamed abuse at him on many occasions, but I have heard from people that have had dealings with him, that he's actually very good on the charity front and a decent bloke. I reckon you might be pleasantly surprised.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 20:05]
I’ve met Lampard senior a few times through work and he’s a good bloke.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:29 - Jun 6 with 1929 views
Jody Morris yes, yes, yes, and I reckon Bradley Johnson would be a proper liability towards the end of the night. Bumping into people, bothering women, mouthing-off to door staff and pis sing in shop doorways.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:56 - Jun 6 with 1886 views
Gary Neville - he'd just be so bloody dull I'd imagine. He'd bore you to death about something like motorway toll charges and the one way system in Manchester and make the occasional snide comment as you order yet another round of beers because you have to be up the next morning, then be ridiculously competetive at the go-karting or paintballing or whatever when everyone else is hanging.
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:56 - Jun 6 by aston_hoop
Gary Neville - he'd just be so bloody dull I'd imagine. He'd bore you to death about something like motorway toll charges and the one way system in Manchester and make the occasional snide comment as you order yet another round of beers because you have to be up the next morning, then be ridiculously competetive at the go-karting or paintballing or whatever when everyone else is hanging.
Lee Bowyer would be the liability for sure.
Neville - nailed on, Aston. And on the phone to Phil bragging about it.
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
Thinking about current QPR players I think Paul Smyth would be the one that would be the biggest problem. I think he would need a set of reigns like toddlers used to wear so he could be tugged back after going out swinging after anyone who has accidentally nudged him or trod on his toe!
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 07:10 - Jun 7 with 1628 views
Mouthy fool who is always in trouble? Step forward Ravel. He would get you into trouble with the bouncers within 10 minutes of you being in the sh !te Blackpool nightclub to which you have gone, in which you have to wear a shirt with a collar and no jeans.
JET would also be annoying with his made up English. Well swazzy.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 10:04 - Jun 7 with 1535 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 20:29 - Jun 6 by Discodroids
Jody Morris. I was going to knock up a deranged soliloquy on him and his kin but in the final analysis, i cant be arsed.
He just looks like the sum total off all the cnts i've ever met.
100% arsehole.
Takes about half a pint for him to become Charlie big spuds and how he hasn't had his head punched off is beyond me. I had the misfortune of being at a function a couple of years ago where there were a few premiere players, mainly Chelsea and they kept themselves to themselves, chatted to people and did selfies etc. Mr Morris, on the other hand, thought he was the star attraction and was giving it plenty until a mate of mine, who knew and knows nothing about football told him to shut the feck up, Jody big spuds, didn’t say a word.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 11:03 - Jun 7 with 1500 views
I've actually been on a stag weekend with a footballer. Jamie Scowcroft ex Leicester / Ipswich. I don't know him and I've only met him that one time and then again at the wedding a few weeks later. But he was a nice fella with some good stories. He may be a former Premier League player but I got more than him at the tenpin bowling.
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