| QPR and Depression 12:59 - Apr 2 with 7255 views | Padulas_Shampoo |
Spotify shuffled Sunshine on Leith on this morning. You know when you’ve heard a song hundreds of times before but then all of a sudden on the 113th play your ears prick up and you inexplicably start listening more attentively? Well that happened.
When I was in my late teens I suffered with crippling depression. I’d been dumped by my childhood sweetheart, I’d failed within our schooling system, I had no qualifications, no job, no hope, no belief. I’d been a semi-tidy golfer but ultimately failed at that too amongst feelings of letting my family down by coming up just short. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning and I had no idea which way to turn. I’d turned a loving, fortunate upbringing into nothing.
My heart was broken
My heart was broken
Sorrow. Sorrow.
Sorrow. Sorrow.
Born into a middle class upbringing and a working class family, I was too ignorant to go and seek professional help for this terrible, debilitating, invisible disease. I didn’t talk about it. I was ashamed of it and of myself. I didn’t understand it and there was next to no awareness about it. A week didn’t go by where I didn’t toy with a piece of rope or with packets of painkillers or with plastic bags in a locked room. Ultimately not brave enough, I just continued to exist.
If there was a bright spot in my life that even I could see; it was Saturday afternoons in Shepherds Bush. Back then they were few and far between for me as we lived 130 miles away. Maybe one such afternoon though was a turning point in my life. 25th January, 2003, QPR 1, Tranmere 2. The football chat on the radio, the debate about who should start, the debate around whether Steve Palmer is actually any good. Shepherds Bush Market, the sound of underground trains, the record shop opposite the green, the noise of the Uxbridge Road, a diverse community, the Baklava from the Lebanese shop. A day bonding with my Dad, without troubles, without sorrow, with hope, with adrenaline. We lost but it didn’t matter.
I went to every home game for the rest of that season. Sometimes with Dad. Sometimes by myself via a gruelling, eight pound, 15-hour-day, National Express journey. Sundays were 6 days away, Wednesdays were 3 days away. Fridays were the eve of relief. Every day had purpose.
I got to enjoy the playoff run and got to endure and experience the playoff final. I got to taste a sense of achievement. The next year I got a season ticket and went to most away games too. I made friends there, I made memories there, I was accepted there. This was my club, my thing. There wasn’t a second in my life that I didn’t have something to look forward to. I had a reason to get out of bed, a reason to go to work.
My heart was broken
My heart was broken
You saw it.
You claimed it.
You touched it.
You saved it.
6 years later I had a steady job, I’d met the woman who’d become my wife, I had a family, I had fun, I had holidays. I beat that disease. Not by myself - not by a long chalk. I beat it with the help of those around me but also with the help of a wonderful mix of people with one common bond. A community that’s scrappy, that understands each other, that knows it’s different, that knows it’s special. QPR gave me acceptance and QPR let me be myself.
Since then I’ve gone on to be moderately successful at work.
I’ve bought a house.
I saw and fell in love with New York City.
I got married in New York City in front of my closest friends and family.
I watched Dolphins playing in morning waves from the Newport Beach shore whilst eating egg white omelettes.
I drove the 10th Green at the Belfry with a 3 wood.
I had a daughter and experienced a love that I never knew existed.
I saw Bobby Zamora score that goal stood next to my Dad.
And that’s just to-date.
How do you repay a debt of gratitude like that? Like an absolute, innate family bond - you just can’t.
But this is why football is important. This is why football clubs are important.
And to me, this is why QPR is important.
My tears are drying
My tears are drying
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. |  | | |  |
| QPR and Depression on 09:39 - Apr 3 with 1971 views | SunnyVanGo |
| QPR and Depression on 09:18 - Apr 3 by nix |
You're very welcome to talk here. And pleased you've bitten the bullet and signed up. Never heard of Strathdon Blue but it sounds like strong stuff! |
Thanks Nix
I need to figure out what I need to say, how to express it, and whether this is the best place (for me) to do that.
But keeping things simple... these / your words have helped massively. Big love. |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 09:59 - Apr 3 with 1924 views | BazzaInTheLoft |
Nice forum this sometimes â™¥ï¸ |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 10:05 - Apr 3 with 1904 views | terryb |
| QPR and Depression on 09:39 - Apr 3 by SunnyVanGo |
Thanks Nix
I need to figure out what I need to say, how to express it, and whether this is the best place (for me) to do that.
But keeping things simple... these / your words have helped massively. Big love. |
The only place to talk about it Sunny, is somewhere & to somebody you feel able to talk to.
For me, I found talking to people I knew (but wasn't close to) the easiest & that is still the case now. The fear of hurting those close to you is very much ingrained in me.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I found talking to a female so much easier than to a male. |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 10:24 - Apr 3 with 1873 views | nix |
| QPR and Depression on 10:05 - Apr 3 by terryb |
The only place to talk about it Sunny, is somewhere & to somebody you feel able to talk to.
For me, I found talking to people I knew (but wasn't close to) the easiest & that is still the case now. The fear of hurting those close to you is very much ingrained in me.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I found talking to a female so much easier than to a male. |
I get that Terry, we're lovely! No, joking apart I do think that men are socialised not to let their guard down in front of each other, which is a shame. Breaking down those barriers is only a good thing. |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 11:38 - Apr 3 with 1802 views | BrianMcCarthy |
| QPR and Depression on 08:49 - Apr 3 by SunnyVanGo |
Padulas, thank you.
You've moved me to sign up to this forum after many years lingering (Strathdon Blue), simply to express my sincere gratitude.
I need to listen and talk more about how I feel. |
Welcome aboard, Sunny.
Feel free to drop a line anytime. |  |
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| QPR and Depressionq on 11:45 - Apr 3 with 1795 views | Konk |
Great thread - thank you for posting. Really uplifting seeing people finding ways to live/cope with depression, and sharing their experiences. I tip my hat to each of you. |  |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| QPR and Depressionq on 11:54 - Apr 3 with 1780 views | BazzaInTheLoft |
| QPR and Depressionq on 11:45 - Apr 3 by Konk |
Great thread - thank you for posting. Really uplifting seeing people finding ways to live/cope with depression, and sharing their experiences. I tip my hat to each of you. |
In the spirit of this lovely thread, I’m absolutely biting my tongue against making a snide Hooray Henry reference.
Please imagine something I would have said. | | | |
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| QPR and Depression on 12:01 - Apr 3 with 1769 views | BrianMcCarthy |
Will listen to that. Thanks hove. | |
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| QPR and Depression on 12:15 - Apr 3 with 1734 views | dannyblue |
Another to say wonderful thred and I'm so pleased to see everyone's openness. When we're increasingly atomised, and our online life contributes to that, it's so good to see how it can also bring us together.
I'm lucky enough not to suffer from depression. I have experienced crushing grief, though, soon after the Warnock promotion. And I can well understand how the emotions of football, and the emotions of love, life and death, can become entwined. I realise how inordinately happy that promotion made me, and it is always contrasted with the sadness I felt just a few weeks later. Seeing other teams' fans run on to the pitch at promotion can bring tears to my eyes.
I'm also lucky enough to have lots of friends, but none of them are QPR. I started going to QPR alone and I still do, mostly. I walk to Loftus Road. I leave home at 2pm. I'm normally back home at 5:45pm. No matter what's going on in my life those hours of escape from everything else in the world, the chance to concentrate on something else, are precious and a very necessary part of my own mental health. |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 12:22 - Apr 3 with 1714 views | loftboy |
| QPR and Depression on 09:59 - Apr 3 by BazzaInTheLoft |
Nice forum this sometimes â™¥ï¸ |
There’s only one person who I wouldn’t mind seeing banned from here and he only posts on one thread. I like to think that despite many differing political views we all get on pretty well. |  |
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| QPR and Depression on 13:57 - Apr 3 with 1637 views | BrixtonR |
| QPR and Depression on 13:01 - Apr 2 by Padulas_Shampoo |
Sorry to be super emo but clearly had a moment this morning and thought it worth sharing in case anyone could relate or even could find help within it.
You Rs! |
Nice One Thks.
Cos of Someone I know and I'm trying my best to help. [Post edited 3 Apr 2021 14:00]
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| QPR and Depression on 08:43 - Apr 4 with 1494 views | Paddyhoops |
Just listened to this on a dog walk this morning.
Forgot to bring tissues. Big mistake!!
Beautiful piece of Audio!! | | | |
| QPR and Depression on 09:04 - Apr 4 with 1476 views | BazzaInTheLoft |
| QPR and Depression on 12:22 - Apr 3 by loftboy |
There’s only one person who I wouldn’t mind seeing banned from here and he only posts on one thread. I like to think that despite many differing political views we all get on pretty well. |
Yeah in general, and the rest is just pettiness really.
Everyone rallies together for things like this. [Post edited 4 Apr 2021 9:04]
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| QPR and Depression on 11:45 - Apr 6 with 1333 views | Rs_Holy |
| QPR and Depression on 13:09 - Apr 2 by ted_hendrix |
Thread of the season;
Thanks. |
yep just spotted this thread ...having read it all I totally agree with Ted. [Post edited 6 Apr 2021 14:37]
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| QPR and Depression on 14:59 - Apr 6 with 1247 views | CroydonCaptJack |
Anyone that doesn't get the power of a Community should read that post mate. |  | | |
| QPR and Depression on 15:06 - Apr 6 with 1239 views | Esox_Lucius |
| QPR and Depression on 14:59 - Apr 6 by CroydonCaptJack |
Anyone that doesn't get the power of a Community should read that post mate. |
I also feel it is why fans shouldn't be directing acrimony and vilification at our players. It doesn't matter what they do for a living, or how much they earn, they are subject to the same fears and troughs of emotions the rest of us are. It's why I get so arsey about players being called shit etc. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| QPR and Depression on 17:25 - Apr 6 with 1172 views | qprphil |
Congratulations mate, having not suffered anything like that it is brave of you to come on here and tell us about it, and even better still to come out the other side in one piece..... A next door neighbour of my son hung himself in his garage about 2 years ago, he left a note saying his work had slowed down, and didn't know if he was capable of looking after them anymore, aged 36.... I think football keeps us all sane at times, I'm disabled and can't get my QPR attendance fix anymore, but go locally to my NLS club. I follow the same patterns as I did all them years ago, meeting in the pub, a few beers, watch the game, a few beers after discussing why we won, or lost. Nothing like your football mates............ | | | |
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