| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 816772 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:16 - Feb 4 with 8142 views | saxbend |
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
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“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
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He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
Â
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Â
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
 The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
Â
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.Â
"This is outrageous! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
Â
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 20:43 - Feb 5 with 7884 views | Lblock |
I want to do a joke about my schizophrenia…… but I’m in two minds about it. |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:10 - Feb 6 with 7810 views | Boston |
People are really impressed when I tell them my home was designed by a famous Italian designer...until they realize I live in a Fiat. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 03:13 - Feb 6 with 7755 views | Lblock |
I would tell you about the time I took my anorexia help group to the Antarctic for a field trip…..
But I’d be on thin ice | |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:39 - Feb 6 with 7664 views | Boston |
What has t in the beginning, t in the middle and t at the end?
A teapot. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:06 - Feb 6 with 7571 views | johann28 |
Went to a Japanese footy game the other day. Amazing. What was even more amazing was that at the end of the game, we were treated to 5 minutes of martial arts. I asked my mate 'what the fks going on here?'
He said, 'yeah it's not unusual, five minutes of ninjary time.' |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 03:11 - Feb 7 with 7502 views | Lblock |
Me:- “I’m having therapy to kick my obsession with spaghetti Westerns like The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”
Friend:- “How’s it going for you?”
Me:- “not too bad so farrrr-yeharrrr…..wah, wah, wah…” | |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:00 - Feb 7 with 7393 views | saxbend |
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before opening hours. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra £100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut it right now or you're going to get us both sacked." | | | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:03 - Feb 7 with 7392 views | hantssi |
Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner, the reason being that she didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:08 - Feb 7 with 7338 views | Esox_Lucius |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:03 - Feb 7 by hantssi |
Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner, the reason being that she didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks! |
Is that the guy who launched the Shatner Pants ladies underwear range? |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 03:33 - Feb 8 with 7211 views | saxbend |
I went to a Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 08:42 - Feb 8 with 7145 views | lightwaterhoop |
I went to a Zoo the other day,can you believe it they only had one animal on display? a dog!.
It was a Shitzou. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:27 - Feb 8 with 7099 views | saxbend |
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:40 - Feb 8 with 7041 views | Esox_Lucius |
I set up a new password & used badum, the computer said the password must contain a symbol so I used badum tish. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:44 - Feb 8 with 7018 views | saxbend |
A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.
His mate asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.”
His friend asked, “You told her you where 40?”
No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.” | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:48 - Feb 8 with 7013 views | saxbend |
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sites, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After a while, he finds himself in a very affluent neighbourhood with big stately residences–no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public loos. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the plod, "just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statues, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the copper's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman,
"That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 18:35 - Feb 8 with 6919 views | colinallcars |
The England cricket team, after their humiliation in Australia, went to Prince Charles who is a huge cricket fan, for advice. He said “well chaps as you know I don't bat, but Camilla Parker Bowls” |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:12 - Feb 8 with 6800 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:39 - Feb 6 by Boston |
What has t in the beginning, t in the middle and t at the end?
A teapot. |
Teenage kid just out of school, goes to a building site looking for work. Foreman says 'Can you make tea'?
'Sure, no bother'
'Can you drive a forklift'?
'Hang on! How big is the teapot'? | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 00:25 - Feb 9 with 6771 views | Boston |
Here, in the USA, most people describe the toilet as, 'the John'.
Now entering my senior years, I've started referring to it as, 'the Jim'.
It sounds so much better when answering where I'm going early in the morning. [Post edited 9 Feb 2022 0:27]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:31 - Feb 10 with 6568 views | Myke |
Brian's dream reminded me of the time, a long time ago, I dreamt I was a veterinary surgeon carrying out life-saving surgery on a 'priceless' family pet, while at the same time scoring the winning goal for QPR in the Champions League Final against Barcelona.
Been years since I had a vet dream | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:45 - Feb 12 with 6377 views | Boston |
What did the buffalo say to offspring on his first day at school?
Bye son. [Post edited 12 Feb 2022 19:45]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:17 - Feb 12 with 6328 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:45 - Feb 12 by Boston |
What did the buffalo say to offspring on his first day at school?
Bye son. [Post edited 12 Feb 2022 19:45]
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which reminds me...
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:34 - Feb 13 with 6234 views | Esox_Lucius |
I can't thank Barclays Bank enough for all the loans they have given me during the pandemic. I don't think I can ever repay them. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:34 - Feb 13 with 6164 views | Boston |
Fan at the Super Bowl notices that the seat beside him is empty. Strange, he thought, unoccupied seat for this game!
Mentioning his observation to the gent in the next seat along, he gets a reply that it was vacant because he'd bought it for his wife, who couldn't make it.
"Why didn't you bring a friend?", asks the fan. "I would", he says, but all my friends are at her funeral. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:47 - Feb 13 with 6083 views | qprphil |
A little silver haired lady calls her neighbour and says, " please come over and help me I have a killer jig saw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her neighbour asks, " what's it supposed to be when it's finished". ? The little silver haired old lady says, " according to the box a rooster." Her neighbour decides to go over and help her. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, " no matter what we do we won't be able to assemble anything like a rooster with these pieces." He takes her hand and says, " secondly I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of tea, and with a deep sigh says, " lets put all the Corn Flakes back in the box. | | | |
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