| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages 16:17 - May 2 with 11390 views | Konk |
Following extensive, tasteful and sensitive renovations to our Victorian terrace in Bristol’s equivalent to Crouch End circa 1995, we have officially run out of money. We need about £40,000 to install a new kitchen and make structural changes to the kitchen and breakfast room. Rather than go down the traditional route of saving-up, borrowing the money or going on the game, I have instead put together a collection of exiting match day hospitality packages.
Living a hop, skip and a jump from Bristol City’s Ashton Gate stadium, we’re ideally placed to offer a full range of superb pre and post-match hospitality for away fans visiting BS3.
What do you get for your money?
£1k donation: Whenever QPR play Bristol City away, you can come round my house for a few pre-match beers/ciders (maximum 4 per person) and an M&S sourced buffet to the value of approximately £10 per head.
£3k donation: As above, but in addition, you can come round our house AFTER the game, watch the results be read out on the BBC, drink up to 4 alcoholic drinks, and eat crisps with me until 7pm, when you must leave.
£5k donation: as per the £3k package, but you can stay until 9pm and we will organize a take-away of your choice to the value of £20 per person. Members of the 5K club will also be welcomed by a Prosecco reception and driven back to Templemeads in time for the last train as long as my wife hasn’t had a drink at that point (which is fu king unlikely).
£10k donation: as per the £5k package, but in addition, you can use the downstairs loo for a number two, manage the tv remote control and go through my underwear drawer like a dog on heat.
Paying for the whole kitchen: as per the £10k package, but in addition, you will be met off the train by my wife, wan ked-off by me in the downstairs loo after Football Focus, wan ked-off by me in the park across the road from Ashton Gate after the game, and put up overnight in our tastefully appointed guest room. In the morning, you will be given some Shreddies and driven to Templemeads by my wife, as long as she’s not too hungover.
Please contact me directly for further information. We hope to see some of you next season.
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| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 09:39 - May 3 with 2901 views | TheChef |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:58 - May 3 by Konk |
To be honest with you, mate, we've been so busy putting these packages together, that I had completely overlooked the ex-player angle. I don't have many connections to City, but my Barber cuts most of the City players' hair, so maybe we could get him to pop round for a cup of tea before the game and do a Q&A on the City's players barnets? Strengths and weaknesses, what Rangers fans can expect from Marlon Pack's hairdo? That sort of thing.
My Dad's old childhood penpal, Roger, (and this is genuine), sounds exactly like Gary Mabbutt, could pass for his Dad and watched him every week when he broke through at Rovers. So, we could probably dress that up as your exclusive chance to eat crisps with Gary Mabbutt's Dad and hear his views on the Rovers players that Francis took to QPR. That'd do, wouldn't it? |
Is Roger diabetic though? Think you'd need to add that for absolute authenticity. |  |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 10:10 - May 3 with 2864 views | Dorse |
You had me at 'underwear drawer'. |  |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 10:20 - May 3 with 2846 views | loftboy |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:24 - May 3 by Konk |
Whilst I'm committed to ensuring that all your corporate needs are met, my wife is not. We also operate a strict 'Hand sex only' policy, in line with EFL guidelines. With over thirty years experience to call upon, hand sex services will be exclusively undertaken by me. |
In that case I’m out!!!!
Genuinely made me laugh out loud Komk |  |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 10:34 - May 3 with 2827 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 08:21 - May 3 by qprxtc |
I'll go all in with the £10k donation on proviso that you wear a QPR Zamora top, Brentfrod shorts (socks at your discretion) and sing 'Celery, celery...' and 'Blue is the colour' at the top of your voice for the day.
You've got me then. |
I’m afraid that as part of our licensing agreement with Avon and Somerset Police, Football colours are not permitted in the house unless worn by a child. Chelsea songs are of course not permitted under the Chelsea are cu nts and their songs are s hit parliamentary Act of 1970. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 10:38 - May 3 with 2818 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 09:39 - May 3 by TheChef |
Is Roger diabetic though? Think you'd need to add that for absolute authenticity. |
I dunno, but he drinks a lot of cider. Also does an amazing cat noise without moving his mouth, which saw my son spend about two hours roaming round Roger’s local looking for a bloody cat. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 11:21 - May 3 with 2779 views | peejaybee |
Only on LFWs you could not make it up  |  |
| If at first you dont succeed, pack up and f**k off home. |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 11:41 - May 3 with 2759 views | hoopsmark |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 17:31 - May 2 by loftboy |
Sorry Konk but I’d want a blow job off your mrs for that price!! |
What I was thinking also Konk.. |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 11:45 - May 3 with 2748 views | Mick_S |
loftboy v hoopsmark.
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| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 12:06 - May 3 with 2724 views | ted_hendrix |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 06:57 - May 3 by Konk |
Ted, Thanks for your expression of interest. To address your points:
(1) We are very open-minded when it comes to crisps; if they're available from the big Sainsbury's on Winterstoke Road or M&S on Broadmead, we will do our very best to ensure we can accommodate your every crisp-based desire.
(2) All of our packages are one-off payments for a lifetime of hospitality on BCFC v QPR matchdays. The average football fan lives for 100 years, so were QPR and BCFC to always be in the same division, draw each other at Ashton Gate every season in the play-offs, FA Cup, League Cup and the Johnstone's Tinpot Paintpot trophy (God forbid), then on average, you would save £60!
(3) Mitres. Mitres. Mitres. All the way, every day.
We look forward to welcoming you to the 3k club and thanks again for your interest. |
Good evening Kunk,
ThanK you for your speedily response but yes you are correct the cucumbers do not require pollinating .
I'll let you know when I know a bit moRe. |  |
| My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 12:07 - May 3 with 2723 views | DannyPaddox |
'Bring On The Dancing Gary Mabbutt Look-A-Likes ... I'm in! |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 14:57 - May 3 with 2625 views | makaveli1882 |
Do you throw in a free cravat with any of the options? | | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 18:16 - May 3 with 2559 views | Sharpy36 |
Is that the leaning tower of pizza Mick ? |  |
| 'You didn't know that was wrong, but now you do. If you do it again, I'll know you are doing it on purpose.' |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 18:48 - May 3 with 2552 views | loftboy |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 11:45 - May 3 by Mick_S |
loftboy v hoopsmark.
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I don’t mind taking turns as long as she gargles in between !! ( with mouthwash you dirty minded posters) | |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 19:07 - May 3 with 2536 views | distortR |
can i sponsor your zester?
the 'tony fernandes zester' - takes the zest out of everything.
Actually, i'm skint, so i'm taking the pith really | | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 11:18 - May 4 with 2430 views | hoopsmark |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 18:48 - May 3 by loftboy |
I don’t mind taking turns as long as she gargles in between !! ( with mouthwash you dirty minded posters) |
I hope she’s had her tonsils out😉 | | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 13:46 - May 4 with 2377 views | londonscottish |
Konk, two questions;
(1) are the hand shandies topless?
and
(2) if so, do you have moobs?
Thanks |  |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 15:08 - May 4 with 2340 views | PunteR |
I'll cut your mitred joint worktops, as long as its wood. Laminated or solid. I'm guessing you'll be going for granite with the price around 40k though.
A few beers/drinks and a ruby for me and the kids is all i ask. We can eat on the way home so no need to put up with us and try and make awkward conversation about how the championship is so much better than the premier league or something or other. |  |
| Occasional providers of half decent House music. |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:17 - May 7 with 2180 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 13:46 - May 4 by londonscottish |
Konk, two questions;
(1) are the hand shandies topless?
and
(2) if so, do you have moobs?
Thanks |
Apologies for the late response - been away for a wedding and as you can imagine, since Bristol City missed out on the play-offs, we have been inundated with enquiries.
In order to comply with EFL guidelines, I will be fully clothed and wearing a gardening glove/oven mitt at all times during hand sex. And no, I don't have moobs. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 16:22 - May 7 with 2170 views | Konk |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 15:08 - May 4 by PunteR |
I'll cut your mitred joint worktops, as long as its wood. Laminated or solid. I'm guessing you'll be going for granite with the price around 40k though.
A few beers/drinks and a ruby for me and the kids is all i ask. We can eat on the way home so no need to put up with us and try and make awkward conversation about how the championship is so much better than the premier league or something or other. |
Thanks for your kind offer, mate. I'll be in touch. We have an alright Ruby house nearby - I'll forward on their menu. And don't worry - your family are more than welcome to join us at the table. And the Championship (and every other division ever) is infinitely more enjoyable than making up the numbers in the Premier League. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 09:06 - May 9 with 2020 views | Mick_S |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 18:16 - May 3 by Sharpy36 |
Is that the leaning tower of pizza Mick ? |
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| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 14:37 - May 9 with 1956 views | WokingR |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 09:06 - May 9 by Mick_S |
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That's Konk's footman greeting you at the station isn't it ? |  | | |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:18 - Aug 12 with 1709 views | Konk |
Just bumping this thread as we still have some availability for our hospitality packages on Saturday.
Since we started offering the packages, we've had some lovely feedback. Here are a couple of typical reviews from TripAdvisor:
Steve, Derby County: "A really great experience. A fantastic buffet, strong hand sex in the park before the game and Konk even arranged for a cab to take us to the station after his wife became poorly. Amazing value".
Andy, Leeds Utd: "Probably the best corporate experience I have ever had - and I've done Club Wembley. Twice. We were greeted by Konk with an excellent can of San Miguel for each of our group, which was served in a glass, not plastic. We then made our way into the front room for some crisps, sandwiches and cocktail sausages, which were very delicious. Konk then put Football Focus on their 40" TV and even lowered the blinds so that the glare was minimised. Nothing is too much trouble. After more cans of San Miguel and Doritos with dips, Konk showed us the fence that he and his mate had put up in his back garden. We left the house an hour before kick-off as Konk had quite a few hand jobs to get through in the park, and he wanted to ensure everyone was in the ground for kick-off. Again, this is the sort of thing they don't think of in Club Wembley. He even organised for us to get cabs back to the station after the game as his wife had become poorly whilst we were at the match. We will definitely be back." [Post edited 12 Aug 2019 7:22]
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| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 08:24 - Aug 12 with 1616 views | Mytch_QPR |
| Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages on 07:18 - Aug 12 by Konk |
Just bumping this thread as we still have some availability for our hospitality packages on Saturday.
Since we started offering the packages, we've had some lovely feedback. Here are a couple of typical reviews from TripAdvisor:
Steve, Derby County: "A really great experience. A fantastic buffet, strong hand sex in the park before the game and Konk even arranged for a cab to take us to the station after his wife became poorly. Amazing value".
Andy, Leeds Utd: "Probably the best corporate experience I have ever had - and I've done Club Wembley. Twice. We were greeted by Konk with an excellent can of San Miguel for each of our group, which was served in a glass, not plastic. We then made our way into the front room for some crisps, sandwiches and cocktail sausages, which were very delicious. Konk then put Football Focus on their 40" TV and even lowered the blinds so that the glare was minimised. Nothing is too much trouble. After more cans of San Miguel and Doritos with dips, Konk showed us the fence that he and his mate had put up in his back garden. We left the house an hour before kick-off as Konk had quite a few hand jobs to get through in the park, and he wanted to ensure everyone was in the ground for kick-off. Again, this is the sort of thing they don't think of in Club Wembley. He even organised for us to get cabs back to the station after the game as his wife had become poorly whilst we were at the match. We will definitely be back." [Post edited 12 Aug 2019 7:22]
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I'm concerned about Mrs Konk. Is she feeling better?
Also, in the interests of fair play, can I enquire whether Fulham supporters will get a similar package this season or are they offered discounts / incentives / canapes?
As a friend of this board I think I should also just warn you of the risk of suffering from an RSI if Steve's review is anything to go by - particularly when the midweek fixtures start coming thick and fast (if you'll excuse the pun). [Post edited 12 Aug 2019 8:25]
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