Perhaps Julien Stéphan’s finest hour so far as QPR manager, as his team swiftly and ruthlessly deconstructs league leader Swansea City – a 5-0 victory against a side that had only conceded eight goals in total all season.

No drop intros, no metaphors, no similes. No convoluted stories, no in-jokes, no graphic sexual imagery. No Airplane, no Simpsons, no Office (Finchy!). No Air Crash Investigation. And no drawn-out prose about a sordid little grief hole in Prague and that long old walk, over the bridge, into the Old Town zzzz. No need. Queens Park Rangers have done it all for me. No notes.

After 22 years of trying to put this club’s hot nonsense into prose every Sunday night I was owed one - and here it was. The complete performance. Not complete complete (Harvey Vale a little anonymous, Jonathan Varane a frightening opening act) but as near to complete as Championship football ever gets. Certainly, as complete as this daft football club has produced for a good decade or more (bar, perhaps, one magical night here against Leeds in 2024).

An erection you could see from space. International Space Station? Yes, we were expecting your call. Yes, we’ve already seen it.

Let’s do a little scene setting. My, the wind it did howl, and the rain it did drive, sideways and spitefully into your face, whichever way that face did face, drying and later torturing the skin - “oooh, you’ve caught the sun”. No. No, I have not. And, no, not that sort of scene setting. We don’t need to do that today. Today is about football, and in the red corner stood a Swansea City team top of the fledgling Championship league table with a skinny two defeats and a chunky seven wins to their name.

Not only that. Tales from the match preview… Swansea had won six of their last eight away league games (D1 L1) and could have won three in a row for the first time since October 2023 - four away wins was the division’s highest total… Swansea had won every game they’d led this season. They had dropped zero points from winning positions – the only team in the league to hold that record. They had won nine points from losing positions – only West Brom (ten) had done better… City had the league’s best defence with just eight conceded and five clean sheets. They had faced just 119 shots on goal, the best record in the league. Goalkeeper Lawrence Vigouroux saved 77.1% of the shots he faced before this game, the league’s best record.

Vitor Matos, strong like bull. This lot are good. This was a tough assignment even before Rangers had one of their Rangers weeks where the performance department goes round adding bleach to the tea.

QPR laid waste to it. Let me rephrase that. Can I... No, actually I'll just repeat the same thing. QPR laid waste to it. Total destruction. They were positive and progressive, they were sharp and incisive, they were aggressive and attractive. First to every ball. They were brilliant. Well, coached, well set up, everybody knew their role. Almost instinctive - they do this so we do this. Close your eyes and let it happen naturally. Front foot, balls well and truly out of the bath. It was a team effort. Some team, and some effort. Supremely coached. You couldn't fault it. You'd have to look hard for anything wrong.

The R’s were three goals up in the time it takes some of us to have one piss. Paul Smyth, inspirationally selected up front and through the middle against a high Swansea line, ran clear onto muscular and skilful Kwame Poku approach work after two minutes. Smyth calmly squared for Richard Kone who swept in a long awaited first goal of the season against the club that once tried to buy him.

Time still well in single figures and Poku was back right in the thick of things again. First attacking a back post cross from Harvey Vale after gorgeous build up through Ronnie Edwards and Boy Kemper, then retrieving after Kealey Adamson had smartly caught a Swan napping and crossing invitingly for Kone to flick a second in with his head after manipulating two centre backs.

In the week of All Hallows' Eve, a timely trip to a graveyard to exhume the remains of last year’s Richard Kone. Maybe Kim has been wafting her woowoo stick around after all. The Ivorian has been, frankly, very strange of late. The LFW Memorial Millstone has rarely weighed heavier than on a player we tipped for a 20+ goal season this year but came back seemingly unable to run about/digest all the food he eats. On at least five occasions through pre-season and competition he has collapsed with what appeared to be serious knee injuries, including last week’s defeat at Birmingham where Rangers once again finished with ten men, only to be cleared as absolutely fine a day later. Compare the monstrous beast who played Preston by himself in April, swathed in bandages and strapping and begging them to come at him with more, to the timid and leaden footed waste we’ve seen in this campaign. What is going on here? Like a Scooby Doo mystery. The gang finally pin him down and peel off the mask. SAMMY KOEJOE THE OLD FAIRGROUND CARETAKER. And he would have gotten away with it too…

As quickly as he went away, The Real Richard Kone returned. Soaring high through the air, to points where Ben Cabango could barely gasp air, flicking an unreachable Pierce Charles ball on for Smyth to hence forth once more. Touch ahead, trap set, loose ball dangled like forbidden fruit, frazzled Vigouroux unable to resist, Smyth to ground and - after going ten months with one penalty - QPR now had three in four games. All of them won by the ceaseless Northern Ireland international. A dive? Pfff. No serpent in Eden. Kone found the bottom corner for a 14-minute hat trick, the earliest ever in the modern EFL. We’ll host a more in-depth Jack Supple intervention later this week, but QPR haven’t had a hat trick at all since Nahki Wells v Cardiff in January 2020, haven’t had a first half hat trick since Alan Wilks v Oxford in October 1967, and haven’t had an earlier hat trick since George Petchey vs Aldershot in January 1954.

This was Kone’s day, and whatever has been going on with him visibly melted off his considerable shoulders immediately. Here he was, back to bullying and beating up centre backs, exactly as I loved from this time a year ago. It would, however, be remiss not to talk about supply lines. Shown in flashes thus far, this was the Kwame Poku I thought and hoped we’d signed. A big, powerful, skilful bastard, who can take you inside and out, deliver a great end product. Fight you if you want to fight, run you if you want to run, and all round just give you the longest of long old days. His 29th-minute pearler really should have made it 4-0, and four for Kone. This time the striker headed over – it was an easier chance than the more difficult one he’d previously scored.

Not as long as the day for whoever had to deal with Paul Smyth, mind. Legs all a blur, whirling around, like Wile. E. Coyote. Only, now, with added success rate. The ACME tools have started to work. Smyth has gone from cheap Gareth Ainsworth pick up in time of crisis, through figure of fun, to impact sub at best. His critics are fierce. Since the international break, he’s been the team’s best player. His performances against West Ham, against Derby, and here again… you cannot leave him out, you cannot criticise him. You can disrespect his name if you like, but you’re wrong. Any other Championship supporter watching us play at the moment is asking who that is, and why they haven’t heard more about him. Tireless, tormenting, tumbly tot. Tremendous.

Then there was Boy Kemper, who should be working a door somewhere but thank God he’s here in the meantime. You want him on your side, in your corner. He has a face ready for an argument. Equal parts “fuck off out of my way” and “now watch this drive”. Parks some uppity winger in the fifth row of Ellerslie Road, explains calmly to the referee why it was necessary – I’m afraid you leave me little recourse – then draws that left boot back and curls a Clive Wilson tribute act to meet a hooped shirt in stride. His cross through the box on 44 deserved a final touch. You add that to Glen Kamara, rain washing off his dinner suit like a duck’s back, and Ronnie Edwards cutting about in a wet t-shirt and swept fringe, and this shit really shouldn’t have been allowed on before the watershed. The 3pm blackout taking on a whole new meaning as Rangers put on an erotic show. And Gerald Sinstadt is your commentator.

We shouldn’t pretend this was entirely perfect (actually, yes, let’s). Jonathan Varane gave the ball away once to Adam Idah on six minutes, who shot from range and saw Pierce Charles (we think, judging by the reaction behind the goal) tip his shot onto the bar. Varane did the same again on seven minutes. This time Idah drew a rather more conventional save from the sweeper keeper from a similar distance. Varane, still, wants too long on the ball, and is too reticent to play forwards. Always an extra, unnecessary touch. Quickly, quickly, quickly. He should watch and learn from the man next to him. Know the shot you’re playing, three shots in advance of it. Like a fine snooker player. Kamara could absolutely have played in a waistcoat here.

Varane, though, is only in this team because Nicolas Madsen is injured. The entire pre-match build up was dominated by chat about who wasn’t going to be available. That QPR are able to produce a performance like this regardless of Ilias Chair, Rumarn Burrell, Tariq Lamptey, Jake Clarke-Salter (she was just one yellow card away from retirement), Amadou Mbengue, Alfie Lloyd and others all being unavailable for selection is testament to the squad depth the club has put together. It’s also a big statement piece for Julien Stéphan.

I’m starting to feel like Stéphan is not being talked about enough. I was tempted to name the manager as ‘star man’ just to enforce the point. QPR is an insanely difficult club to manage, as has been shown by the quantity and quality of Stéphan’s predecessors who have been swallowed up by this place. The budget, the academy, the infrastructure, the politics, the expectation… the place is not geared to success. It’s been in this league 11 years and never finished higher than ninth. It’s a place that often demands big characters, not studious Frenchmen who don’t get too high with the highs and too low with the lows. But I see managers like Michael Skubala, John Mousinho, Brian Barry-Murphy, John Eustace, Nathan Jones, Steven Schumacher being talked up, and I never hear anything about our guy. On days like this I wonder… why not? His set up at West Ham - where Wolves have shipped four and Wrexham six this season - was note perfect and would have yielded a win with a more robust strength and conditioning regime. He sprung a surprise with the Boy Kemper recall and nullified the division’s best player in the process.

Here (spoiler) QPR scored five against a team that had hitherto only conceded eight goals all season long. Rangers should have scored (at least) six – Rayan Kolli a fraction wide with a late chance to achieve that – and Stéphan outwardly fumed from the touchline that his young striker hadn’t played one more Paul Smyth-like pass to guarantee the goal rather than take it on himself. That’s the “standards” he talks about. Demanding more of ourselves at five goals up. Four nil at half time and demanding we win the second half as well. Vitor Matos is, deservedly, attracting admiring glances from Crystal Palace. Where’s the Sunday broadsheet spread for Monsieur Stéphan? He is bridling a wild horse here.

As if to re-affirm that point… Swansea hadn’t scored a goal from a set piece this season, but more pertinently had only conceded one at the other end. QPR quickly ordered a 12-inch Chicago Town deep dicking for the league’s best dead ball defensive stat by making it 4-0 on half time with a Jimmy Dunne header. Eat that and tell me you’re still hungry.

Swansea made a point of coming out early for the second half while all the Gerry Francis and Andy Sinton loveliness was still going on around them. Fooling nobody, the visitors looked like a collection of used condoms fished from a storm drain. Used and abused. There was, though, inevitably, a fall from that first half high in the second period. Nobody beats anybody 8-0.

There was also, inevitably, an injury to the outstanding Boy Kemper, which activated Dennis Cirkin’s comeback from a suspension. For once though Stéphan was able to make chosen and tactical substitutions in a game long gone. His new introductions added fresh impetus. Karamoko Dembele, in particular, looked like he’d never been away after a year out with a busted ACL. Swansea conducted emergency surgery of their own with two half time subs and two more a short time later, but at this point they were just seeking to stem the bleeding long enough for relatives to make their way to the hospital and say their goodbyes.

It was, in many ways, the perfect QPR performance for this iteration of the club. The possession, once more, heavily weighted 60/40 in favour of the opponent – now 76 games and 25 victories since the R’s last beat a team while holding more of the ball. Wind, rain, crowd into it, poncy modern team that wants to pisball about, we get amongst it and have the pace and talent on the break to cause serious damage. I guess you could say the real test comes at Southampton next week, or perhaps the home game here against Lincoln where it will be very much roles reversed. This isn’t the time, or the report, for that, though. This is the time for Ronnie Edwards, gliding around, never missing a beat, Glenn Roeder reincarnate.

We’re in October, we don’t have to set everything within context of league tables and history and expectation. Paul Smyth had a go at a flying volley from 20 yards out at the Loft End. It went over. Of course it went over. Do I care? Not one fuck. This was wonderful. Football is meant to be fun. This was a lot of fun. Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.

Somewhere around five minutes from time, sub Rayan Kolli won a free kick which Dembele delivered in the direction of Kone to bounce back into trouble and there was Jimmy Dunne to finish from close range. Put your affairs in order, this one is done and Dunne. Nine goals scored in two home games.

It meant we could sit there, as QPR fans, at a QPR match, relaxed about the outcome, and enjoying the spectacle. Frozen, soaked, and not feeling a drop of it. Dunne raised his hands to the Loft, implored them to lift the roof, gave the engine a provocative rev as he came forward for an injury time corner searching for a first professional hat trick. Jimmy, Jimmy Dunne. The crowd responded in kind. “We want six”. We want six?! Where the fuck am I? Has Musk colonised Mars and this is what it’s like? I don’t know if I’m on this earth or Fuller’s (brewery). But we’re genuinely chanting for six, and Jimmy Dunne is on a hat trick. We played the corner short, and fucked it up. That’s us. Baby steps. For now it’s not the point. QPR have won 5-0. Inform the men.

No luck catching them Swans then? It’s just the one Swan, actually. And after seven league meetings here without a win, it's finally been slayed.

Simply put, the best I’ve seen QPR play in a very, very long time.

Links >>> Photo Gallery >>> Ratings and Reports >>> Message Board Match Thread

QPR: Charles 7; Adamson 8, Dunne 8, Edwards 8, Kemper 8 (Cirkin 80, -); Poku 8 (Dembele 72, 7), Kamara 8, Varane 6, Vale 6 (Saito 72, 6); Smyth 9 (Kolli 72, 6), Kone 9 (Alemayehu 87, -)

Subs not used: Morrison, Obikwu, Scarlett, Ward

Goals: Kone 2 (assisted Smyth), 9 (assisted Poku), 15 (penalty won Smyth), Dunne 45+1 (assisted Vale), 86 (assisted Kone)

Yellow Cards: Kone 16 (over celebrating), Smyth 59 (foul)

Swansea: Vigouroux 4; Lissah 4, Cabango 4, Welsh 3 (Seelt 46, 4), Tymon 3; Stamenic 4 (Franco 64, 4); Opoku 3 (Eom Ji-Sung 64, 4), Just 3 (Fulton 46, 4), Eustaquio 4, Widell 4; Idah 4 (Vipotnik 74, 4)

Subs not used: Fisher, Parente, Monga, Stewart

Yellow Cards: Vigouroux 14 (foul), Just 34 (foul), Stamenic 54 (foul)

QPR Star Man – Richard Kone 9 There he is.

Referee – Sam Allison (Trowbridge) 7 Bits and pieces. Booking Kone for over-celebrating a hat trick, at 3-0, come now. Boy Kemper, barely able to walk, being aggressively forced from the pitch with the score 4-0 and the game over, no need. Swansea seemed more irked by him than we were. Overall, I thought he was fine. Better than fine, in fact. Pretty decent. But I’m in an astonishingly good mood.

Attendance – 17,504 (1,758 Swansea) And you go back to the Crown & Sceptre, and everyone just looks so, so happy.

If you enjoy LoftforWords, please consider supporting the site through a subscription to our Patreon or tip us via our PayPal account loftforwords@yahoo.co.uk.

CJPhotography

Recent Stories