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A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa " she says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma walks into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What!" said her Grandpa. Make a noise like a frog, because Grandma said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
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Corny Joke Warning on 10:47 - Apr 23 with 7540 views
Two Norwich fans are walking along the street. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke!" The second one picks it up, looks into the mirror and says "Of course you do, you idiot - its me!"
Corny Joke Warning on 08:54 - Apr 26 by horshamHoop
Bloody hell I have just had a right scare
I was in the bath reading a ghost story
When suddenly l felt a tap on my shoulder
Guy gets into a taxi, asks driver to take him to Shepherds Bush. Along the way, he remembers that he's got to stop off at his mate's on the way. Taps the driver on the shoulder to give him instructions.
Driver panics, swerves onto the pavement, narrowly missing a lampost, slams on the breaks.
'Oh, I'm so sorry ' says the guy. 'I didn't mean to startle you.'
'Not your fault mate' says the driver. 'It's my first day. Spent the last 10 years driving a hearse.'
An elderly Italian gentleman who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, went to the local church for confession. When the Priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said, "Father, during World War 2, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The Priest replied, " that was a wonderful thing you did, and you do not have to confess to that." There is more to tell Father, she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several days a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The Priest said, " that was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if your truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question. " " And what is that?" " Should I tell her the war is over?"
[Post edited 29 Apr 2021 19:31]
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Corny Joke Warning on 22:44 - Apr 30 with 6640 views
Patrick O' Hara was leaving Port Aeran Ireland for London, the first time he had been away from his village. The evening before he left, a neighbour called in to ask him if he was going to London and would he do the family a favour. " Yes " said Patrick. " What is it?" "Well said the man, my old auntie Brenda Dunne's daughter Nelly left for London 5 years ago, and the poor mother hasn't heard from her since then. As you are going to London would you like to look her up and tell her to write to her poor mother." " Certainly " said Pat, " do you have an address?" "Well, we know Nelly is in WC1 in London, that we hope should be enough." " Fine " said Pat, "I'll give her the message." Pat duly arrived in London, and as he was walking down the road he came to a stairway leading to a basement with WC written next to it. So, Pat trotted down the stairway and their was a row of doors, and No 1 was right in front of him. Pat knocked on the door to No 1 and a lady's voice answered, " Hello." Pat shouted," are you Nelly Dunne?" "Yes" said the voice, " but I've no paper!" "That's no excuse for not writing to your mother."
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Corny Joke Warning on 11:25 - May 8 with 6053 views
Outside England's Bristol Zoo,there is parking for 150 cars and 8 buses. And for 25 years it was managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fee's for cars was £1-40for buses about £7. Then after 25 solid years of never missing a days work, he just didn't show up. So the Zoo management called the City Council and asked them to send another parking agent. The Council did some research and told the Zoo that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.The Zoo advised the council that the attendant was a City employee. The City council responded that the attendant had not been on the City payroll. Meanwhile sitting in his Villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently installed a ticket booth completely on his own, and then he just turned up every day to collect the parking fee's. This estimated at approx £560 per day, for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million. And no one even knows his name.
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Corny Joke Warning on 12:24 - May 8 with 6010 views
Outside England's Bristol Zoo,there is parking for 150 cars and 8 buses. And for 25 years it was managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fee's for cars was £1-40for buses about £7. Then after 25 solid years of never missing a days work, he just didn't show up. So the Zoo management called the City Council and asked them to send another parking agent. The Council did some research and told the Zoo that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.The Zoo advised the council that the attendant was a City employee. The City council responded that the attendant had not been on the City payroll. Meanwhile sitting in his Villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently installed a ticket booth completely on his own, and then he just turned up every day to collect the parking fee's. This estimated at approx £560 per day, for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million. And no one even knows his name.
I thought he was called mourinho.He got paid for years for just parking the bus.
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Corny Joke Warning on 14:10 - May 11 with 5845 views
A cat, a dog, and a horse start a band. In this band the dog plays drums, the cat plays guitar and the horse sings. Now, the sound this band was going for was super interesting because they all had widely different tastes. The dog was mainly a jazz guy, centring his drumming technique around greats like Buddy Rich. He grew up listening to the sounds of Herbie Hancock and other Jazz Fusion Artists. The cat, loved technical death metal and trash, his guitar playing centred around the furious riffing of Kirk Hammit and Kerry King. The horse loved blues music, and tried to emulate the smooth vocal inflections of BB King and Screamin' Jay Hawkins. Together they made up a very interesting jazz infused thrash metal blues band. There was only one problem. The horse was a terrible singer. They played a few gigs in New York City where they lived, and even though local music critics praised the cat and dog for their innovative musical arrangements, the general sentiment was that horse didn't live up to them in terms of raw talent. They called an emergency band meeting and told the horse they had to fire him. The cat and the dog remained good friends and looked for a new lead singer. They bounced around the NYC club scene for a few months until one fateful night. They hopped in a coffee shop and saw a monkey who was a singer songwriter with killer pipes. He really enjoyed the sophisticated sounds of 70s folk artists like Cat Stevens and James Taylor. They approached him after the show and asked him to join the band. After jamming with them for 20 minutes he's very impressed and agreed. Soon enough it became apparent that these guys were destined to take over the world. All over the city word was going around about this incredible new band fusing every corner of music into one amazing new sound. Before long their first LP was out, and the lead single off of it went straight to number 1 on the billboard Hot 100. They were now superstars ready to embark on a world tour. They saw Europe, Asia, they even played 3 sold out shows in Russia. Things were going fine, but then like all rock bands that hit superstardom, the in fighting started. The monkey claimed it was his band and he should be getting most of the money. His ego was way out of control, and it was hurting their live shows after awhile. Eventually, in the middle of the show, the monkey threw down his microphone and proclaimed he didn't need the cat or the dog and left the band to pursue a solo career. The dog and the cat went back to NYC to regroup. While walking down the street one day, they see something that horrifies them. The horse was laying on the sidewalk, almost passed out, with an empty liquor bottle next to his head. Since being fired from the band, and seeing them go on to fame without him, sent him spiralling into a deep depression that lead him to abusing alcohol. The cat and the dog felt responsible so they picked him up off the street and brought him to a rehab centre. They told him they would pay for his treatment and they wanted him to get clean. Over the next few months in rehab, the horse actually did start to turn his life around. He found salvation in his lord and saviour Jesus Christ. While in rehab, he started to get very serious about becoming a better singer. He worked with a vocal coach, and just 1 year later he had completely sobered up and was a better singer than ever. He met up with the cat and dog and told them he wanted to jam with them again. They did, and the cat and dog were blown away. It was a complete 180. Suddenly, they were back at it again, playing shows all over the east coast. Soon enough, they had another album, and were back on the road. The horse was out finally living his dream, after hitting rock bottom, feeling like it would never get better. Life has turned into a dream, the future was bright. That was until tragedy struck.... While driving their bus through Ohio, they were hit head on by an 18 wheeler. The cat and the dog were killed instantly, but miraculously, the horse survived with minor injuries. The horse returned to New York, his entire reality in pieces. His two best friends, the guys who pulled him out of the worst part of his life and made life worth living again, had been taken from him. He cursed God. Why would he take away from him the one chance he had to escape his demons and live the life he wanted to live? He couldn't bring himself to cope with it all. Sadly, he turned back to booze to cope. He wandered around town, looking for anything to wash away the pain. Eventually, the horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says....... Why the long face?
The grass is always greener.
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Corny Joke Warning on 15:55 - May 11 with 5796 views
I remember when I could go to the local shop with just a couple of quid and pick up a bottle of scotch, six pack of beer an 4 bottles of wine........... those days are gone since they install CCTV
[Post edited 11 May 2021 15:56]
Strong and stable my arse.
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Corny Joke Warning on 17:24 - May 12 with 5603 views
Two parrots standing on a perch. One sniffs and asks 'Can you smell fish?'
Two owls sitting in a tree in Dublin.
One says “where are all those people going ?” The other one says “they're going to the dance” The first one says “shall we go?” The other one says “nah, I can't. I got me owl clothes on”.
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Corny Joke Warning on 00:49 - May 13 with 5399 views
About twenty years ago, I was on holiday in Ireland when I met and went drinking with another Londoner. Tony was his name, nice bloke, from Camden, he brought me to this lovely little pub in the back end of Kerry that his family had some connection with. We were were about two hours into the booze when there was an almighty sound of braking and an ominously loud thud." Sounds like a car crash", says Tony, fearing the worst we rushed to the door where our progress was impeded by a large crowd of six fingered locals who'd gathered around for a gawp. Tony, who had basic first aid training shouts out, "make way, I'm the son of the victim". The crowd parts like the Red Sea, we charge forward..to find a dead donkey.
I came home from work one evening to find the police had cordoned off a house at the end of the street. I asked the policeman on duty what had happened. “A man has been found dead in unexplained circumstances” he said. “ have you considered suicide ?” I said. “Well no, the job gets me down a bit sometimes, but I'm not so badly off really” he replied.
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Corny Joke Warning on 19:51 - May 13 with 5203 views
Tom is a 70 yr old man having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl sits down a few seats away. This girl is so attractive he can't take his eyes off of her. After a short while the girl notices him looking at her, and approaches him. Before Tom has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes, and says to him in a sultry tone. " I'll do anything you'd like, anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter, how unusual it is I'm game. I want £100 and one other condition." Completely stunned by the turn of events, Tom asks her what the condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in three words." Tom takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly, " PAINT MY HOUSE."
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Corny Joke Warning on 01:28 - May 15 with 5069 views
Interviewer: Would you explain to me please about these missing four years on your CV? Applicant: That was when I went to Yale Interviewer: That has clinched the interview for me, you're hired Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob
The grass is always greener.
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Corny Joke Warning (n/t) on 00:05 - May 16 with 4827 views
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