| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 668322 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:08 - Aug 29 with 8185 views | Dorse |
Have you seen the movie 'Constipation'?
Hasn't come out yet.
(This joke was brought to you in association with my daughter Tantor. She is, at this very moment, telling me to stop stealing her jokes.) |  |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:51 - Aug 29 with 8119 views | Sonofpugwash |
Don't forget on Monday you can't exercise your sheepdog.
It's a Ban Collie Day. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:20 - Aug 30 with 7979 views | Esox_Lucius |
While in Spain sipping his tequila, a guy noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins." |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:15 - Aug 30 with 7809 views | colinallcars |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:20 - Aug 30 by Esox_Lucius |
While in Spain sipping his tequila, a guy noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins." |
I was made redundant some years ago. On my last day, I left early but popped across to accounts to see Sandra, a lady I got on well with.
I said “ Well Sandra, adios, sayonara, au revoir, arrivederci “. Then I took my case and went home.
Later that afternoon a colleague went over there to query some invoices and found her crying quietly and dabbing her eyes with a hankie.
“ Hey Sandra, what's wrong ? “ He said.
She replied “ It's that Colin. He…he…well, he…didn't even say goodbye”. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:07 - Aug 31 with 7674 views | Esox_Lucius |
On his 1st day at school a poor lad was crying into his Weetabix, the boy said “why do I have to go to school?”
The dad replied “well son, you will enjoy it so much, making fun things, you will make great friends, you will even learn a foreign language and you only have to go until you're 18 and then you can do anything you like” arriving at the school gates, the wee lad was still bawling and as he was being lead by the hand, by the very nice teacher he turned back, with a huge snot bubble hanging from his little nose, he cried, “ DAADDDY” his dad said “yes son” he said “don’t forget to come back and collect me when I'm 18” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:06 - Sep 1 with 7498 views | Esox_Lucius |
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the commuter train and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking on it in a loud voice.
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."
She continued, "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting with Kevin."
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with Kevin, the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life ... Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking away loudly. When the man sitting next to her had finally had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue no longer uses her mobile phone in public. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:50 - Sep 1 with 7383 views | johncharles |
Have you got any pictures of your wife in the nude ?
Do you want some pictures of your wife in the nude ? |  |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:55 - Sep 2 with 7246 views | Esox_Lucius |
I thought I’d try a fruitarian diet where you eat anything that falls from a tree,
I lasted a day and only ate 3 apples and an owl. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:56 - Sep 2 with 7245 views | Esox_Lucius |
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:16 - Sep 3 with 7019 views | Sonofpugwash |
My therapist told me to write letters to everybody that has ever hurt me, then burn them.
I've done that. Now what do I do with the letters? | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:59 - Sep 4 with 6883 views | Esox_Lucius |
I've been given a part in a play about the female reproductive cycle.
My role is to stand at the end of a pipe representing the fallopian tube and put tennis balls in it to demonstrate egg generation.
I told the producer that I'd feel stupid just standing there carrying out such a basic mundane acting role and stormed out.
I asked the wife what she thought; she said I'm just
ovary acting. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:14 - Sep 4 with 6818 views | Esox_Lucius |
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have today announced they have invented a car that is powered by parsley.
They are now working on a train that runs on thyme… | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:57 - Sep 4 with 6774 views | colinallcars |
When I was about 5 or 6, I was a slow developer. My mum was worried and took me to the doctor's.
He examined me and said, “Hm, does he still suck his thumb ?”
“Only when he's out o' fags” She replied. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 18:48 - Sep 6 with 6465 views | qprphil |
The British army had too many officers so decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at 6ft and walked out with a bonus of £72, 000. The second officer who was a bit smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant major who when asked where he would like to be measured from he replied," from the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might like to reconsider, explaining about the nice two cheques the other two officers received. But the old sergeant major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant major to drop them, which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure at the tip of his penis, and began to work back. " Good Lord " the medical officer suddenly exclaimed, " where are your balls?"
The old sergeant major replied, " Afghanistan"!!!!!!!!!! [Post edited 6 Sep 2021 18:49]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:51 - Sep 7 with 6253 views | Esox_Lucius |
I came home to find the wife naked in bed, sheets creased up and a pair of blue jeans, a red & white hooped shirt and a red & white ski hat on the floor. I know she was cheating on me but I couldn't find the culprit anywhere. [Post edited 7 Sep 2021 12:51]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:29 - Sep 8 with 6046 views | Sonofpugwash |
I used to be in a band called 'Sold Out'.
The posters looked great but no one ever came. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:07 - Sep 9 with 5906 views | Esox_Lucius |
I arrived home this evening to find my wife wearing just riding boots and holding a crop. I thought to myself "Oh great! where the fück are we going to keep a horse in this tiny house". [Post edited 9 Sep 2021 22:26]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:06 - Sep 9 with 5823 views | Sonofpugwash |
I just lost my job at the clock factory.
After all the hours I put in. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:19 - Sep 9 with 5810 views | larsricchi |
The principal walks into a kindergarten classroom, and notices the alphabet display has been altered so that the letter Y, both uppercase and lowercase, were no longer there.
The principal says to the teacher, "Excuse me but why have you taken down those letters? An utterly stupid decision!"
The teacher shrugs and says, "Oh, I don't know. Some might call it a Ys move." |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:43 - Sep 9 with 5723 views | Sonofpugwash |
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records, until I got kicked out of the library. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:21 - Sep 10 with 5589 views | Esox_Lucius |
My cat just swallowed a £2 coin, I was gonna take it to the vets but my wife said, “don’t bother there's not enough money in the kitty.” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:19 - Sep 10 with 5535 views | Sonofpugwash |
Called the paranoia helpline earlier today.
The man on the other end of the phone said;
"How did you get this number!" | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:25 - Sep 10 with 5531 views | Sonofpugwash |
Was in a hotel couple of years ago(before Covid obviously) and asked the receptionist to give me an early wake up call.
Bang on 6am she phones and says "What the f*ck are you doing with your life?" | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:43 - Sep 10 with 5523 views | qprphil |
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A female checker walked up to him and said, " " your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, the man went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping a man came up to him and said, "
" your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the check out he deliberately got in the line where the girl was, who told him about his barracks door. The man decided he would have a little fun with her.
When he reached the counter he said, " when you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier in there standing to attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said, " " no, no I didn't, but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:43 - Sep 10 with 5432 views | acricketer |
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
-Hi darling, he says,
-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said hello to them. | | | |
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