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I love London and I think Londoners are often unfairly judged by the rest of the country, but every now and then I do/see something when I’m away from home, and I’m immediately aware that everyone around me is thinking, “Cockney wan ker(s)”. Some examples off the top of my head:
(1) Sunderland away: making a barmaid in a seriously rough pub check she’d put all our drinks through the till because the round seemed too cheap.
(2) Wednesday away: My mate trying to pay for a £3 pie in a pub with a £50 note, being asked if he had anything smaller, and then innocently pulling £400 in fifties out of his wallet and saying, “Sorry, love, I’ve only got fifties on me” in the what suddenly sounded like the most cartoon character London accent ever.
(3) Boro away: duck into an absolute khazi of a pub to get out of the rain, getting served at the bar and one of our lot asking the Landlord if he could see the wine list as he fancied a glass of wine. Withering look of the year from the Landlord as the rest of us just stared at our feet.
(4) Wigan away back in the 90’s: pre mobile phones, getting a cab to the ground from the pub and then putting the driver on a retainer by paying him 3 x the fare up front to pick us up from the ground after the game. He didn’t haggle us up, the fare was so cheap getting there, we went in with 3 x as our opening offer.
(5) Visiting my then-girlfriends family in Shropshire, going for a walk in the countryside and going “Wow, look at the size of that dog!” only for her Dad to point out that it was in fact, a horse.
(6) Going for a walk in the countryside with friends who live in Oxfordshire, having a mini-breakdown when we encountered a muddy patch of path, and becoming so distressed at the state of my trainers, that my mate’s brother ended up giving me piggy-backs every time we came across a boggy bit of ground. I’m in my forties.
What have you done or said that immediately marks you out as a Londoner, and not in a good way?
[Post edited 15 Jan 2016 8:33]
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:43 - Jan 15 with 7397 views
(3) Boro away: duck into an absolute khazi of a pub to get out of the rain, getting served at the bar and one of our lot asking the Landlord if he could see the wine list as he fancied a glass of wine. Withering look of the year from the Landlord as the rest of us just stared at our feet.
No other London Club or London fans have done that.
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Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:45 - Jan 15 with 7393 views
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:43 - Jan 15 by makaveli1882
(3) Boro away: duck into an absolute khazi of a pub to get out of the rain, getting served at the bar and one of our lot asking the Landlord if he could see the wine list as he fancied a glass of wine. Withering look of the year from the Landlord as the rest of us just stared at our feet.
No other London Club or London fans have done that.
All I'll say is it was uncharacteristic of the person involved. He'd normally settle for a G&T.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
1
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:51 - Jan 15 with 7368 views
Haha, re:2, At Liverpool away last year we ended up in a little tiki bar and my mate paid for a round with a £50. The barman then got all the other staff huddled around to take a look at it. Didn't look like they had ever seen one before!
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Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:52 - Jan 15 with 7367 views
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:51 - Jan 15 by RBlock
Haha, re:2, At Liverpool away last year we ended up in a little tiki bar and my mate paid for a round with a £50. The barman then got all the other staff huddled around to take a look at it. Didn't look like they had ever seen one before!
I once paid for a pie with a fiver at Selhurst and the woman serving me held it up to the light. Weird.
My Mum doesn't seem to understand that a fiver might have been a ballache on the change front in 1974, but isn't anymore, so still apologises every time she pays for anything with a fiver, "Sorry Love, I've got nothing smaller".
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
4
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 09:04 - Jan 15 with 7318 views
Wigan away first leg play off. We walked into a proper rough pub on the high street with what seemed the entire cast of Jeremy Kyle show.
My mate (seriously) asked for a glass of rioca (sp).
Doncaster away in our promotion season. Got a cab form pub to the ground, about 3 or 4 miles. The fare was £3. We gave him a £20 and told him to treat the wife
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 08:43 - Jan 15 by makaveli1882
(3) Boro away: duck into an absolute khazi of a pub to get out of the rain, getting served at the bar and one of our lot asking the Landlord if he could see the wine list as he fancied a glass of wine. Withering look of the year from the Landlord as the rest of us just stared at our feet.
No other London Club or London fans have done that.
bet a few arsenal fans have
0
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 09:35 - Jan 15 with 7195 views
Your cockney Panache and Eclat in the eighties would involve wearing two pringle jumpers ( when they were made in scotland, not Taiwan) at once with sergio tacchinishorts as underpants.
one had to differentiate between oneself and the northern barbarians at the gates of the m25 with sartorial grace. Even if it included wearing a broach on our paisley shirts in 1985 looking like bet lynch.
[Post edited 15 Jan 2016 9:50]
"...The monkey is never dead, Dealer. The monkey never dies. When you kick him off, he just hides in a corner, waiting his turn."
Your cockney Panache and Eclat in the eighties would involve wearing two pringle jumpers ( when they were made in scotland, not Taiwan) at once with sergio tacchinishorts as underpants.
one had to differentiate between oneself and the northern barbarians at the gates of the m25 with sartorial grace. Even if it included wearing a broach on our paisley shirts in 1985 looking like bet lynch.
[Post edited 15 Jan 2016 9:50]
When I was twelve, I lost the silver button off my Ellesse tennis shorts and put up a poster in the office of the Holiday camp we were staying in, offering a £5 reward for the missing button; which was a week’s paper round money, back then. What a tw at.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
3
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 10:08 - Jan 15 with 7043 views
Staying in Newcastle many moons ago after our game and being asked about the game by so many people we asked how did they know we were QPR. They replied that only Cockneys wear Jackets. I am sure after a night on in the Big Market they could tell the girls from London as they were the only ones to wear knickers.
Stonebridgers
1
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 10:15 - Jan 15 with 7012 views
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 09:42 - Jan 15 by Discodroids
who can forget this modern day artisan ...from last years Jewellery heist
"What a luvverley bit of work".
Nothing Beats this DD
" Northern Ponce"
personally I don't think you can beat the sight of marauding cockneys in a northern town wearing stone island, reebook classics and cheese cutter caps
And Bowles is onside, Swinburne has come rushing out of his goal , what can Bowles do here , onto the left foot no, on to the right foot
That’s there that’s two, and that’s Bowles
Brian Moore
One is never without ones cat skin dueling gloves dipped in shattered resin and trusty grandfather Pendulum Clockweight dropped down the leg of my pantaloons .
Steel fish hooks sewn into my smoking Jacket by my tailor on Jermyn street is a must to combat these hub cap theiving, work shy rapscallions.
Forgive my impropriety LFW, but Ive taken the liberty of eschewing my regulation snuff box and replaced it with one constructed from lingnum vitae, a hardy , flush grain that will prove to be a redoubtable piece of kit upon the Craniums of my Mushy pea imbibing sub normal cousins of the north.
Moreover, This East end terrace dandy also sharpens his briar churchwarden pipe to a keen edge that would have Jack spot weeping for his Nanny, A few Cheeky Maris pipers studded with razor blades in a secret pocket in my cumberband complete the ensemble of the ultimate Pavement artist in the hooligan Dojo. . P.S..An 2ft Stove pipe hat containing a leaded piano leg in it is a wise option, if playing thames old iron works fc , away from home
[Post edited 15 Jan 2016 10:23]
"...The monkey is never dead, Dealer. The monkey never dies. When you kick him off, he just hides in a corner, waiting his turn."
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Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 10:56 - Jan 15 with 6887 views
(7) QPR fans going en masse to the 2003 Play Off Final at The Millenium Stadium in limo's because it worked out cheaper than hiring a minibus!
(8) An old boss of mine (though he was from Manchester originally) went on a paintball day out in patent leather shoes because he was more focussed on looking good!!
Haha. I’m normally alright with my animals — it was a fair distance away when I saw it.
My mate’s daughter had got to the age of three thinking that pigs don’t have mouths, because my mate’s wife has got to the age of thirty-seven, believing that pigs “Snuffle food up through their noses” and don’t have mouths. He was genuinely stunned when he made this discovery and they were both sceptical until he produced a mountain of evidence via the internet.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
0
Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 12:32 - Jan 15 with 6622 views
I haven't really got a proper one of these but I remember going to stay with my cousin in Swindon as a kid and heading over the rec for a game of football with the locals. 2 captain's were selected and one of them immediately picked me first.
"How do you know he's any good?" he was asked. "Of course he's good" he said in part awe part astonishment at being questioned in a beautifully broad west country accent, "he's from London!"
He was right though, I ran the f*cking show.
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Unintentional "Cockney wa nker" behaviour when you're out and about on 12:39 - Jan 15 with 6584 views
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