| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 665677 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:35 - Jun 7 with 8299 views | Esox_Lucius |
Apparently, anger management courses are all the rage, nowadays... |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:24 - Jun 10 with 8040 views | johncharles |
Starting my new job on Monday. I’ll be doing circumcisions. £300 a week and my share of the tips |  |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:56 - Jun 10 with 7947 views | horshamHoop |
Omg - I drew Finland in the firms Euro sweepstake
They have a chance right?
But to be honest, I think my entry fee may vanished into Fin air..... | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:08 - Jun 14 with 7700 views | Myke |
The future of aviation is up in the air | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:18 - Jun 14 with 7688 views | dontknowitall |
My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker. Well, she is not actually my girlfriend as yet... |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:22 - Jun 14 with 7680 views | johncharles |
The pope asks God what are going to do about the COVID pandemic. Haven’t seen you for ages. Where have you been ?
I’ve been in Wales replies God.
In Wales ! ? Why have you been in Wales ???
I’ve been working from home. | |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:57 - Jun 16 with 7537 views | loftboy |
To try and achieve some sort of fitness I have started doing lunges.
Which is a big step forward. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:57 - Jun 19 with 7387 views | Esox_Lucius |
An old crofter was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he got got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
His favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, he noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!
he went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to his amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
He was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county show and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the
No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:15 - Jun 21 with 7133 views | Myke |
Travelling salesman was convinced his wife was being unfaithful when he was away,but had no proof. So he bought a talking parrot to spy on her in his absence. Only problem was the parrot only had one leg, but the problem was solved by using his penis to balance himself on his perch.
Next time the man came home he asked the parrot for a report on his wife's behaviour. 'Well you were right ' said the parrot. 'You were hardly out the door when the postman came in and she was all over him.
'What happened exactly?' asked the husband.
'Well first they kissed' said the parrot.
What happened next?' he asked.
Your wife took off her skirt', said the parrot
'Then?'
'She took off her blouse'
'Then?' the man asked
'She took off her bra'
'What happened next?' the man demanded.
' I dunno', said the parrot.
What do you mean you don't know?' Shouted the man angrily.
'Fell off me bleedin perch didn't I?' | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:48 - Jun 21 with 6993 views | derbyhoop |
Elton John has a pet rabbit.
He didn't want it to get fat while he was away touring, so he bought it an exercise machine.
It's a little Fit Bunny. |  |
| Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the Earth all one’s lifetime. (Mark Twain)
Find me on twitter @derbyhoop |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:00 - Jun 21 with 6914 views | acricketer |
Someone told me that I'm condescending.
That means that I talk down to people. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:05 - Jun 21 with 6905 views | acricketer |
Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants!
Ignore them. They're just talking bollocks | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:08 - Jun 21 with 6871 views | acricketer |
I never wanted to believe the stories that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I got home all the signs were there. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:41 - Jun 27 with 6589 views | Esox_Lucius |
I have had 12 people be really rude and abusive to me in my job as a bus driver today. Where do these people get off. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:12 - Jun 28 with 6435 views | qprphil |
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded except one old man who went to see the car.
The lady actually sold him a Mercedes with 6000 miles on the clock for just £1.
She handed him the papers and keys, deal done.
As the old man was leaving he said, " I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why you sold this car so cheap?"
The lady replied, " I am fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of my Mercedes would go to his secretary!!!!" | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:46 - Jun 29 with 6255 views | Esox_Lucius |
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (scroll down.)
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What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:41 - Jun 30 with 6101 views | colinallcars |
The wife and I were off to the theatre. As we walked down the garden path, my neighbour said “Hello, where are you off to ?” The theatre” I said. He said “I haven't been for years. The last thing I saw was, oh what was it, the Pyjama Game”.
“Oh yes” I said, “It was a farce”.
“Oh I don't know, I quite enjoyed it” He said. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 02:33 - Jul 1 with 6053 views | DavieQPR |
The ex Health Secretary's wife has got her revenge. He will now be known as Matt Han. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:47 - Jul 3 with 5874 views | Esox_Lucius |
I asked Siri, “why do I always mess up with women?”
She replied, “this is Alexa” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:17 - Jul 4 with 5747 views | Esox_Lucius |
Have you ever wandered through the countryside and mused why you never see any abandoned Dysons etc.?
It's because nature abhors a vacuum. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:12 - Jul 4 with 5655 views | dontknowitall |
A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar (there's normally an Englishman but we are still at the Euros....) | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:21 - Jul 5 with 5449 views | Esox_Lucius |
Juan Vega, the world famous clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.
From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side.
The otter even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week.
His wife answered the door, "Sure," his wife said. "It will cost you £500."
The man exclaimed, "That much?"
Juan's wife replied, "But you’re getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else on this coast.”
The man protested, "I just want Juan. I will hire him alone for £350."
"Sorry," Juan's wife said. "You can’t have Juan without the otter." | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:06 - Jul 5 with 5381 views | distortR |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:21 - Jul 5 by Esox_Lucius |
Juan Vega, the world famous clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.
From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side.
The otter even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week.
His wife answered the door, "Sure," his wife said. "It will cost you £500."
The man exclaimed, "That much?"
Juan's wife replied, "But you’re getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else on this coast.”
The man protested, "I just want Juan. I will hire him alone for £350."
"Sorry," Juan's wife said. "You can’t have Juan without the otter." |
Ha! Juan is quite a common name among the Manx, allegedly after sailors from the spanish armada were shipwrecked on the south of the island and given protection by islanders - northerners call southerners 'Spaniards'.
Anyway, the pronunciation of the name has been corrupted to 'Dew-an'.
So initially I read that joke and thought 'But that doesn't make sense'! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:02 - Jul 5 with 5282 views | bosh67 |
As told on the radio by Ross Noble the other day...
Man walks into a bar with half an orange for a head.
Barman looks at him and says, "What can I get you?"
Man says, "Just a beer please."
Barman pours him a pint and hands it to him.
"I have to ask," says the barman. "Why have you got half an orange for a head?"
Man replies, "Well, I found a magic lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said, I can grant you three wishes. Cool, I said. What do you want for your first wish? So I thought and then said, I'd like a wallet with a million pounds in it and every time I spend any money more appears and I still have a million pounds."
The man takes out his stuffed wallet and pulls out a ten pound note. As he does so another ten pounds magically appears in his stuffed wallet.
"Wow," says the barman.
"Then the genie asked me what I wanted for my second wish and I said I want every woman I see to immediately fall madly in love with me."
Barman looks around and every woman in the bar is swooning and lusting at the guy.
"Right... So I have to ask again," says the barman pointing at the guy's face. "What happened with that?"
And the man says, "Well, then the genie asked me what I wanted for my final wish and I thought, well, I'd quite like half an orange for a head!" |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:10 - Jul 5 with 5262 views | CiderwithRsie |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:06 - Jul 5 by distortR |
Ha! Juan is quite a common name among the Manx, allegedly after sailors from the spanish armada were shipwrecked on the south of the island and given protection by islanders - northerners call southerners 'Spaniards'.
Anyway, the pronunciation of the name has been corrupted to 'Dew-an'.
So initially I read that joke and thought 'But that doesn't make sense'! |
I always thought that was Manx version of Ewan rather than a Spanish thing?
Though it would fit in with an explanation I once had of "traa dy liooar", i.e. "You've heard of "mañana"? Well, it's like that, but without that terrible sense of urgency" | | | |
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